Winter Break at Stuyvesant
Issue 10, Volume 113
The day before Christmas Eve, Stuyvesant students suffered through their classes together. All eyes were on the clock, and when 3:35 p.m. finally arrived, the students sprinted out of the building together. However, one of Stuy’s greatest secrets is that its teachers do not have lives! Every single teacher stayed at school during the break, but what were they doing?
As soon as the third floor was free of students, the history teachers came out of their classrooms. They walked up to the sixth floor, cheering with joy, and went into the library. Once there, they selected their favorite works of literature. They made a quick stop in the cafeteria for some hot chocolate, and then they flocked to room 333. Tucked away in the closets were gifts they had selected for each other, mainly consisting of textbooks and cats. A gift exchange commenced, and upon finishing, they ran to the theater to re-enact famous historical battles.
In the meantime, the computer science teachers had gathered in a computer lab with plates of turkey and mashed potatoes. Some of them worked together on a simulation of turkey prices before and after Christmas, while others figured out what to do for the rest of the break. David Holmes was reprimanding a student on Piazza. Eventually, they decided to split up into two teams; one would calculate the probability of the bells breaking again, and the second would try to make Talos slightly more painful. They all agreed that the second group had the more difficult task.
The math teachers spent Christmas Eve writing impossibly difficult tests. On Christmas Day, they began their project for the break: drawing portraits of each other on Desmos. The language teachers, on the other hand, made it their goal to confuse everyone. They devised as many fake grammar rules as possible and resolved to teach their students the rules immediately after winter break ended.
The English teachers gathered beneath the tree at the Sophomore Bar to read essays about delicious Christmas dinners. After enjoying the rich, flavorful language, they went their separate ways. Some ran to the library to do a bit of reading. Others went to the computer lab to mock student essays together. The rest went to the theater to watch the history teachers perform.
The biology teachers tried to invite the physics teachers to their meal, but every physics teacher had mysteriously vanished. Unperturbed, the biology teachers shrugged it off and began to prepare their feast. Some dissected the turkey, while others carefully examined potato samples under microscopes. They ate together and then went off to spend the break with their petri dishes and microscope slides.
The chemistry teachers were the most excited of all. Christmas was the one time of year when they let their true evil show by breaking every lab rule possible. When the end bell rang, they rushed together to the lab and started to prepare. They turned off the eye wash, disabled the safety shower, and even threw away their goggles. Then, they took out the most toxic lab chemicals and cooked a Christmas dinner.
The day before break ended, the teachers put away their books, hid their cats, and tidied up the classrooms. No one would know what they had been up to, except for the teachers themselves.