Why Redheads Are the Best
Issue 11, Volume 113
As everyone knows, St. Patrick’s Day is the day to celebrate redheads. Well, it’s really a celebration of Ireland’s patron saint, but potayto, potahto, right? In honor of this very special day (arguably the most important holiday of the year), we decided to debunk some common myths and share some insanely cool facts—and by the end of this article, you’ll realize why redheads are the best.
To begin, let’s address the myths about how we redheads get our lustrous locks. No matter how fun it may sound, we don’t dye our hair with the blood of our enemies. Can you imagine how much of a hassle it would be to transfer the blood of our victims to our hair? Nor are we the result of a child eating too many carrots, though it’s nice to know we’re being used to scare children away from developing better eyesight (the TRUE use of carrots!). We are perfectly respectable products of inbreeding, thank you very much. Our ancestors simply couldn’t find significant others of their caliber…
Next, let’s talk about the elephant in the room: witchcraft. Yes, we know people say redheads are witches or “fathered by the devil,” but that is absolutely preposterous! The fact that thousands of redheads were burned at the stake for magic is astonishing. We are not witches; we are actually soul-sucking demons sent from another planet. In fact, Dementors are modeled after us! J.K. Rowling didn’t want to make them too scary, so she took away the red hair.
Now, after disproving highly dubious claims, let’s move on to the good stuff! Did you know that less than two percent of the world’s population has red hair? Only your chances of successfully rizzing someone up are lower than that. However, while gingers are as rare as unicorns, we are also as likely to go extinct as cockroaches. Well, not in the ‘cockroaches-could-survive-the-world-exploding’ kind of way, but in the ‘cockroaches-keep-popping-up-they-literally-never-go-away-WHY-ARE-THEY-IN-MY-POPEYES-CHICKEN?!!’ kind of way. Red hair is caused by a recessive gene, and it’s impossible for it to simply vanish. That’s right, redheads will forever grace this earth with their presence, showing up like cockroaches in your chicken (but even hotter).
Our last snazzy fact is about redheads’ superpowers. Oh yes, we have them. We won’t divulge all of our secrets, but we’ll tell you about one. Redheads are much more difficult to sedate than ordinary, dull-haired people, making us that much harder to kidnap. If you ever try to anesthetize a redhead, you’ll quickly realize that your attempts are in vain! We’ll struggle until the last moment, and you’ll never pull it off. We discovered this when taking a sedative to avoid taking one of Alonso’s tests: it didn’t work.
In conclusion, redheads are the most incredible human beings on this planet, and people should treat them like gods. You, dear reader, can honor a redhead today, on the Birth of the Redheads Day (a.k.a. Saint Patrick’s Day, but same thing), by giving them everything of value that you own. So go forth and spread the wisdom you learned here to others, and very soon, gingers will once more be in their rightful place as the rulers of the world. It all starts with Ed Sheeran…