Touching Obituary Mourns the Imminent Death of Ghislaine Maxwell

This tragedy will have been preventable.

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Ghislaine Maxwell, a loving wife and dear friend, will be found dead in her cell on February 3, 2022, at 11:34 a.m. EST. She worked for many years as a business associate with Mr. Jeffrey Epstein, who committed suicide sadly took his own life a year prior. However, everyone knew that Maxwell’s real passion was working with children.

In her life, she had many connections to other high profile individuals such as former Presidents Donald Trump and Bill Clinton, attorney Alan Dershowitz, and Prince Andrew, Duke of York. However, as of late, they have inexplicably cut her off. Former President Donald Trump tweeted recently about why he stopped associating with Maxwell. “She’s a terrific woman. Ask anyone and they’ll tell you, absolutely tremendous. But there’s just too much drama surrounding her, and if there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s drama. I despise it. Self-care is so important, queens. I just need to take some time away from all the toxicity and work on my mental health.” The replies were mostly positive, with Twitter users remarking, “OMG YASS QUEEN PREACH” and “we love you so much bby you keep doing you.”

Bill Clinton did not make any public statements but reportedly sent a Youtube link of “Snitches by Master P (ft. Snoop Dogg)” via Twitter direct message to Maxwell.

When interviewed, prison guard Jambalaya Biopharmaceuticals stated the following about the tragedy: “This will have been preventable. I just wish there was some way to prevent this that also involves me getting paid an exorbitant amount of cold hard cash.” He then proceeded to wipe his tears with a stack of hundred-dollar bills.

The cause of her death will be suicide via 15 gunshots to the back of the head. For those wondering how this is physically possible, it’s very simple. It’ll be a sick trickshot. She will be mourned until everyone forgets about the massive conspiracy linking major world leaders to a child sex trafficking ring… again.