The Truth Behind Phone Confiscation

It all begins with our protagonist: a band kid named Kevin.

Despite being experienced and having played his trombone since the age of two, he suffers from the same affliction that nearly every band kid has: a crippling addiction to his phone. During this particular band class, Kevin receives ten points of negative extra credit in addition to a devastating “C for Cellphone” from Dr. Winkel. However, Kevin remains unfazed as he steps into the Hudson Staircase to play a quick match of Brawl Stars. Little does he know he is about to encounter the worst possible fate for any phone user in the Hudson…

Footsteps echo as someone descends from the second floor, but Kevin is too engrossed in his virtual world to realize that he is being watched.

“Hand over your cell phone. Now.”

Kevin turns around just to realize that the notorious Hudson-lurker and serial phone snatcher Dean Simon is standing behind him.

“Oh, sir, I am so sorry,” he replies, although in reality he is not sorry at all. This isn’t his first encounter with the dean—he had his phone confiscated once before in October. Reluctantly, he hands over his phone, only to be informed that since this is his second offense, one of his parents will need to come to pick it up.

As the dean walks away, Kevin is deeply annoyed—but not because his phone has been taken. He’s irked because his Brawl Stars reputation is about to take a serious hit.

At around 3:40 p.m., Kevin’s father arrives at Stuyvesant. After the security officer demands that he present his ID, he is let into 205B, where Kevin awaits him in Dean Simon’s office. Kevin’s father is understandably irritated, as he had to leave his office early when he was called by the school and had been thoroughly hassled by the security guard. 

“Here is your son’s phone, sir,” Mr. Simon tells Kevin’s father. Then he shifts his attention to Kevin. “¡Sin vergüenza! If you violate the school Internet-Enabled Devices Policy a third time, I’ll void your lunch for a month!” 

Kevin dismisses this threat with a shrug. He and his friends don’t go out much anyway to begin with—they mostly spend their lunches in the cafeteria scrolling through Instagram reels. Kevin’s father, exhausted from his long workday, motions for Kevin to exit. “Come on, Kevin, let’s go,” he orders.

Kevin leaves, but not before he snaps a quick selfie inside the dean’s office.

As time goes on, Kevin begins to observe some strange behaviors with his phone. The photo he had taken earlier… is grainy and very poor in quality. His reels won’t load quickly, and it lags when he tries to play Clash Royale. When Kevin later calls his mother to explain why his father had to show up at his school, the call disconnects about thirty seconds in.

“Is my phone broken?” Kevin panics. “This is absolutely devastating! What will I do now during my free periods?!”

“Perhaps your homework?” his father asks.

“I’ll do it tonight on a can of Celsius,” Kevin replies.

“Oh well,” his father sighs. “We should get the phone checked out. That new Apple thing cost me an arm and a leg.”

The next day, Kevin uses some pliers and other tools to take apart his phone, thankfully not starting any fires in the process. Well, that’s a new record. His dad looks over his shoulder.

“That motherboard doesn’t look right,” his father says. “Flip it over real quick.”

Kevin obliges, just for him and his father to notice…

“IS THAT MOTHERBOARD FROM TEMU?!”

Sure enough, the white and orange branding of the Chinese company is right there, labeled on the backside of his phone’s logic board.

“That can’t be right,” Kevin remarks. “Isn’t this the latest iPhone 23?”

“Sure,” his father replies. “Let’s check out the rest of the phone…”

Kevin inspects the camera. “Surely there’s no way…”

He pauses.

“...Oh, it’s Temu too.”

Kevin’s father is turning redder by the minute. “How about the RAM?”

Kevin pries further into the phone and takes out the RAM. The distinctive orange and white branding… is still there. “WHOA! That’s Temu, too?”

Kevin’s father slowly turns to face him.

“What?” Kevin asks.

His father sighs.

“Kevin… this entire phone is Temu.”

Kevin and his father stare at the dismantled phone in silence.

“I paid four digits for that thing,” his father says slowly.

He reaches for his cell phone.

“I’m calling the police.”

Two arduous, dreary, dull weeks pass by for Kevin. Now, he actually has to play his instrument in band class, although he’s regressed and Dr. Winkel constantly calls his playing flat. He suffers through withdrawal, reaching for his pocket when there’s nothing there… and to pass the time, he has to resort to playing Pokémon on his TI-84 like some kind of caveman, solving Tetris instead of playing Block Blast, and, worst of all, actually talking to people instead of doomscrolling.

One day, his friend Tony approaches him as he eats alone in silence. 

“Hey,” says Tony. “Did something happen to your phone after Mr. Simon took it?”

“Yeah,” replies Kevin. “It stopped working, and all the parts apparently seemed to come from Temu.”

“Me too!” exclaims Tony. “That’s so odd. My mother reported it to the police yesterday.”

“Cool,” Kevin replies. “Maybe the investigation will pick up some traction.”

A week later, rumors begin to circulate around the school. 

“I heard Sr. Simon got escorted out of the building,” one Spanish student whispers.

“No more phone snatching while we’re in the Hudson,” one of Kevin’s friends remarks.

Even Tony comes up to Kevin and tells him, “Hey, I think something happened with the investigation.”

Kevin’s father receives a rather unexpected phone call from the police the next day.

“Did something happen to my son?” Kevin’s father immediately asks. “Is Kevin okay?”

“Your son is fine. We do, however, have news on the investigation,” the police officer replies.

“What happened?” Kevin’s father asks.

“So, we uncovered a plot involving the dean’s office at Stuyvesant High School. Specifically, Mr. Manny Simon. It turns out that he and the others were stealing phones from students and replacing them with cheap Temu models imported from China that were bought for less than a dollar each,” the cop reports.

Kevin’s father is stunned.

“We were able to arrest Mr. Simon at McDonald’s at 11:30 a.m.,” the cop goes on. “It wasn’t hard; we just had to bait him with a Big Arch.”

“Go on.”

“However… we don’t think he was working alone. We think he’s just a pawn in a scheme that might extend to the whole district, borough, city, state… we really don’t know.”

“Oh.”

“He ended up making… less than a thousand dollars in total. All he got was around fifteen phones, three vapes, and a calculator.”

“So can my son get his phone back? I still paid $1,400 for that thing, you know.” 

“No, but the school has offered to provide reimbursements. They’ll give them out in school tomorrow.”

The next day, Kevin walks into school, only to learn that there is a student homeroom administrative distribution schedule. During homeroom, Kevin and Tony sit together, and they are both given a brown envelope. They open it with anticipation… only to realize that it is simply a $5 Apple Gift Card.

When Kevin’s father finally buys him a new phone, Kevin is finally able to enjoy being absorbed in his digital kingdom again. He is having lots of fun, completely ignoring Dr. Winkel, and completely zoned out when he leaves the classroom. Then, he bumps into someone while he walks into the Hudson.

“Hey. I’m the new dean now. Hand over your phone.”