Stuyvesant Students Can’t Handle AP Rizz

Following the College Board’s 2023 course unveiling, the new one-semester AP Rizz course has been looking for desperate high schools with even more desperate students to pilot the class. Initially, Principal Yu did not recommend Stuyvesant to be one of these schools, since he had substantial faith in the students’ relationship skills given their academic prowess and believed that much of the content would be redundant. Unfortunately, Principal Yu soon discovered himself entirely mistaken and his faith unfounded. In the weeks leading up to Valentine’s Day, Yu claimed to have seen “way too many students fumbling the bag” and “absolutely no W rizz.” As a result, Yu submitted a last-minute application for Stuyvesant to beta-run the course in the spring term, hoping to increase Stuyvesant’s overall academic standing by improving students’ weakest field by the end of the year.

The course is currently offered as a senior science elective and has been described as the most challenging science AP class that Stuyvesant High School has ever offered. Senior Iget Zerobaches agreed to an e-mail interview to describe his experience taking the course so far. “I’m currently taking AP Physics C and AP Rizz,” he wrote. “They’re completely different experiences; I wholly understand magnetic fields but just cannot wrap my head around the idea of getting a girl flowers. It’s way too difficult. The content doesn’t come naturally to me or any of my peers. I don’t think the curriculum is remotely high-school AP or college level, so I would strongly recommend avoiding this course unless you have significant prior experience or are willing to religiously self-study over the summer.”

Zerobaches is not alone in his struggles. I interviewed the current AP Rizz instructor, the Rizzler, to ask for her opinions on the course and student performance. “It’s a really challenging course for Stuyvesant students,” the Rizzler told me. “We’ve only had two practical assessments so far, a quiz on pick up lines and an exam on unspoken rizz, but students have averaged in the forties on both—and these first two units are by far the easiest in the College Board curriculum. Most of the class is completely failing, so I’ve had to offer everyone an exorbitant and generous extra credit assignment: if you can get a romantic partner by the end of cuffing season, I’ll add 30 points to your final grade. All of my students have tried, but not one has been anywhere near successful. I’m especially concerned about our students’ performance on the AP exam in May, where they will be required to pull someone within a three-hour timespan to pass.”

It is unclear whether or not Stuyvesant will continue to offer this course in coming years, considering how poorly the first few months have gone. Principal Yu remains adamant that he made the right decision in offering this course at Stuy, but only time will tell if Stuyvesant students are truly capable of acing AP Rizz.