Stuypocalypse: Program Changes Deleted, Chaos Ensues

The end of times has come to Stuyvesant, in a way that few imagined. Many expected the Stuypocalypse to occur if Ferry’s closed or if the freshmen discovered that the 11th floor pool was fake, but the 12th floor pool was real. Yet after being under siege for months, the Program Office has revealed that Talos has collapsed like a freshman’s will to live, leaving dazed Stuy students to pick up the wreckage.

For those who haven’t been keeping up with the recent developments, the Program Office has been defending itself against sieges instigated by Stuyvesant students with snarky and sarcastic e-mails that no one thinks are funny since time immemorial. “It’s kind of a tradition around the office to make the newest employee try and crowdsurf on the surface of the mob,” one anonymous staff member stated. “That’s been me for the past 13 years.”

Well, it appears that the number 13 is still unlucky, because last week, someone finally managed to breach the Program Office’s defenses. While most of the juniors made a battering ram out of the textbooks for non-AP courses, junior Sneea Kee managed to get past the wall of broken dreams built in front of room 239. The exact details of her trickery are unknown, but it’s rumored that she offered several freshmen “free bathroom passes,” which are normally sold for $15 a month.

These freshmen managed to use their ID cards to dig a tunnel underneath the Program Office’s floor, and Kee then snuck in during a renewed assault by the seniors, who wanted the number of mandatory classes reduced. She was in the middle of selecting herself for all of the APs when a Program Office staff member caught her. Desperate to keep her identity unknown, Kee pressed Alt+F4 in the hopes of hiding her work. However, because the program changes were stored on a computer running Windows 95, all of the data in Talos was deleted.

With no schedules and no APs, all students at Stuyvesant have gone absolutely insane. Some hail Kee as a messiah, claiming that “the purging of all sin is necessary” and starting a religion around her. However, the Program Office has placed a bounty on Kee’s head: any student who successfully captures her will be rewarded with all of the APs they want.

One of the biggest threats, however, is the sudden outbreak of “Stombies,” or Stuy zombies. Several students were incredibly, perfectly happy with their schedules, and their minds snapped at the news of the Talos crash. In order to spread their depression, they’ve started to roam the hallways in hordes and brainwash students by forcing them to reload the Talos main page again and again until they realize that they can’t take 10 APs anymore.

In light of the Stuypocalypse, Principal-not-Principal-Principal Contreras has openly admitted that when he was talking about his “desire to stay close to the work with staff, students, and family,” he wasn’t necessarily including Stombified students. Indeed, his open door policy has been replaced by a “very, very protected door” policy. Only students who have received the mandatory Stombie vaccine can even come near his office.

Students still trapped in areas near the Program Office (now known as Ground Zero) are advised to make like a coffee-smuggling junior and get out before they’re caught. All students who have received shots of the Stombie vaccine have been directed to head to the 11th floor, where they can be picked up by helicopter, loaded from youngest to oldest (excluding the irrelevant sophomores). Be sure not to take out phones on the 11th floor, as new no tolerance policies rely upon vigilante justice to punish non-compliant students.

**Update: It turns out that the computer storing the changes also had a copy of BonziBuddy installed. Attempts are being made to force the program to release any data it might have stored, but Bonzi keeps on responding with, “I am your friend and BonziBUDDY! I have the ability to learn from you. The more we browse, search, and travel the Internet together, the smarter I’ll become!”