Program Changes for Juniors and Seniors to Be Moved to Next Year

The school announced on Wednesday, September 12, 2018, that all program changes for juniors and seniors are to be moved to January 25 of next year.

“Freshmen and sophomores must be given priority,” said Assistant Principal of Health, Physical Education, and Security Brian Moran, making that condescending face he makes. “This year’s freshmen have a much wider range of classes to take and they might not be ready for it. You have to understand that their coursework is much heavier than anything juniors or seniors have to deal with. We deal with more urgent requests first—it’s just the right thing to do.”

Students have had mixed reactions to this announcement. “I’m just impressed that the administration dealt with my request to switch my free and lunch periods so quickly,” sophomore Jay Chi declared.

Others weren’t as optimistic. “It isn’t fair. I just need to switch my physics, lunch, P.E., Spanish, Precalculus, U.S. History and English classes around so I can get the easiest teachers. I don’t understand why it would take so long to fix. I’m just tryna be valedictorian, y’know?” junior Justin Chen grumbled.

One student was seen packing up his camping equipment at the base of Tribeca Bridge.

“I only wanted to drop Bio Regeneron,” junior Victor Li said glumly. He waited two days, pitched a tent, and brought along some leftover halal to eat over the four-day weekend in order to lunge at unsuspecting teachers on their way to school.

“It’s not like I wanted it to be this way, but what else can I do? Wait patiently on a website that takes at least five hours to even load?” he said.

Concerned students went to guidance counselor Sarah Kornhauser desperately for help, and after 12 and a half hours on a line that made two full circles around the school, they got her iconic line.

“I can’t help you,” Kornhauser said to the distraught students. “Go home.”

Later that week, Moran released a final statement to the grumbling upperclassmen:

“Look, we’re working as fast as we can at an unprecedented rate of 4 hours per request. You should all see your updated schedule by the time you graduate, but because of the sheer number of requests that were made, we might not be able to guarantee this. We must thoroughly review the requests that were made and ensure that students are enrolled in classes that are most challenging and intellectually and physically stimulating for them.”