A leaked spy report addressed to The Spectator Humor Department reveals the inner shenanigans of the cult known as StuySquad.

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Friday, January 13, 2023

Report #42

To our supreme Lords and Saviors, the Humor Gods:

Here are the reports we received from the StuySquad Investigation Team.

Flow, the crew with LED props divided into four subsections, may seem like an innocent community, but their capacity for mass destruction and violence is undeniable. Recently, there has been a fight between the stringers, who spin glowsticks on shoelace strings, and the staffers, who twirl batons. The stringers have a weekly ritual where they place their glowsticks in the formation of a magic circle, hoping to summon the ghost of Peter Stuyvesant so that he can steal shoelaces. However, the staffers refused to be left shoelace-less, so they dropped their batons on top of the glowsticks, ruining the summoning circle. The stringers threatened to offer staffers as sacrifices for the ghost of Stuyvesant, and staffers responded by using their batons as swords to jab stringers, who smacked the staffers with their glowsticks, resulting in all-out war.

Flip-floppers, flow’s specialized section of hip-hop dancers, carried on with their training as wannabe Asian moms learning how to use flip-flops disguised as glowsticks. To become Asian children’s ultimate shoulder devil, prospective flip-floppers do a dance move called “whacks” with different variations to invent new methods for abusing children.

As you know, agents infiltrating various pop music groups are all part of Operation Sneak-Into-Pops due to the small member size of each group. Half of the Pops (co-ed K-Pop, Girls K-Pop, and C-Pop) spend 25 hours a day trying to copy the way their favorite idols dance. They become maniacs when anyone makes the tiniest insult toward the loves of their lives, and this has unfortunately cost us a few agents who were unable to keep their mouths shut. The hip-hop crews even had to be separated into boys’ and girls’ sections because they could not agree on whether Kayne West or Cardi B was the better role model. However, what ties the Pops together is that they believe in perfect choreography. They make members who do not meet their expectations dance while kneeling on the floor, thus breaking their kneecaps to beat the weakness out of them.

Modern is one of the more “normal” crews, even though their habit of crying over sad pop songs makes them seem like masochists. They have a strange fixation on sweeping with their pants and spending a weird amount of time rolling around on the floor. Modern dancers can bend their bodies in unnatural ways, performing splits that should break their bones. With their inhuman behavior, we are sure that modern dancers are actually aliens, but Agent Butterfly insists that they are humans. She is less willing to give us details in her reports and began missing her deadlines. We suspect that Agent Butterfly is falling under the thrall of the aliens and that she will soon be a lost cause.

Unfortunately, word has been received that Operation Sneak-Into-Latin will soon join Operation Sneak-Into-Bolly in failure. Agent Penguin has sent his last report, which included his suspicions of being cut from Latin soon. The agent’s poor attempts at body rolls make him look like his namesake. Agent Penguin is also unable to pass the questionable flirting test and does not have enough strength to throw girls into the air as sacrifices to the Roman gods. The Latin crew leaders have had enough of Agent Penguin stepping on his partner’s feet one too many times, and it is only a matter of time until the agent is terminated. May our esteemed Lords and Saviors, the Humor Gods, guide Agent Penguin to an afterlife free of never-ending homework and evil teachers.

Step is the most suspicious of all the crews. We discovered that their systematic stomps and claps are actually a secret code known only to step members. They have planted their own spies within the students and staff of Stuyvesant, and their dances are a way to communicate instructions and information nonverbally—a sort of Morse code. From what we gathered, step seems to have a plan to betray the other dance crews, stealing the spotlight on show day and “taking total control and subjugating the other dance crews mwahahaha.” We are still uncertain as to what that means or how that will happen. Rest assured that we will continue doing our best to figure out the cipher of step.

The initial goal of the investigation was to discover the true purpose of StuySquad and the reason why all these different styles will consolidate into StuySquad. Based on all the reports we have received, StuySquad is a cult in the making, with cutthroat policies and dangerous practices. They cleverly disguise themselves as an innocent group of dancers working their hardest to bring mesmerizing performances to the school. In reality, StuySquad will collectively hypnotize all of Stuyvesant with their sexy dances on show day. Do not be fooled by the beautiful choreography! The StuySquad Board will take control from the administration and run the entire school, while crew leaders will establish their tyranny in the territories they claim, forcing the homerooms in their respective territories to practice their dance style until the end of time as a tribute to their dance gods.

Agents Dolphin and Pig

Heads of the StuySquad Investigation Team