Four Ways to Lower Your Healthcare Expenses

Want to know how to reduce your healthcare expenses because Google says improper healthcare spending hurts the country? Good, this is for you.

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By Stacey Chen

Saving up money is always a good choice regardless of your approach. In this article, we’re going to be focusing on how you can lower your healthcare expenses. Certain methods may seem abnormal and perhaps unrealistic, but saving money is worth thinking out of the box! However, feel free to do whatever fits your lifestyle the best!

  1. Guilt trip someone else into paying your bills

If you visit the emergency room often, rather than shouldering the enormous bill at the end of the visits, simply double it and pass it on to the next person. There are multiple ways to proceed with this, but here is an example tutorial: the next time you crack your skull open trying to do parkour, or get impaled by a random spear that falls from the sky, instead of immediately dialing 911, lie on the ground and patiently wait for a passerby to notice you. If they have a moral compass, they will take action and bring you to a hospital to receive proper treatment. If not, they’ll most likely post a selfie with you and then send you to the hospital. By the time you recover, they should still be in some sort of contact with you, expecting compensation for saving your life. Contact them immediately, as well as a lawyer, so you can legally argue that you’ve always wanted to bleed out on the ground with your leg twisted at a 190-degree angle and consequently fine them for sending you to the hospital. You can even charge a little extra because you never consented to being photographed. Depending on your speaking skills and how much you’ve paid your lawyer, you should be able to expect your hospital trip covered, along with some profit!

  1.  Ignore obvious warning signs

While looking in the mirror on certain occasions, you may notice unusual lumps, random bruised areas, or other concerning symptoms. Unfortunately, most people end up googling these symptoms to see if they require any medication, but this is not advised—online diagnoses almost always list death as a side effect, which may prompt you to seek medical attention, when in reality, it’s not necessary. Instead, you must gaslight yourself into thinking that the soccer ball-sized lump in your arm is perfectly normal, because it is! Practicing the art of gaslighting is crucial to the execution of this method. If gaslighting is difficult even after practicing, consider asking an AI art creator to draw you a frowny face and an A for effort. Gaslight, gatekeep, girlboss.

  1. Separate your soul from your body

Without a living body, you won’t have to pay for healthcare, granted that you can properly execute the separation. Due to legal reasons, the steps to this method cannot be described in detail, but you’ll want to consult any suspicious people, animals, black cats, and frogs you can find lurking in dark alleyways. Your new acquaintance will provide materials—and in certain cases, the separation service itself. Don’t be surprised if the service comes at the hefty price of an organ; they’ve got to make a living, after all. This method is a common go-to because of the additional benefit of not having to deal with life, since you’re essentially dead. This also means that you will not have to deal with legal matters on Earth, but you may want to head down to hell to sort out the logistics with Satan first.

  1. Maintain a healthy lifestyle

Regular exercise, eight to nine hours of sleep each day, and a healthier diet have all been scientifically proven to increase one’s health, and consequently, lower the likelihood of requiring healthcare services. However, this method may cause a premature midlife crisis as a result of the sudden character development into a healthy, mentally stable person. Therefore, please stick to the other methods, unless all else fails. Please.

Congratulations on making it to the end. Hopefully, you’ve learned some helpful skills that will help you save a few hundred dollars and maybe even gain some alleyway-dwelling friends. Live, laugh, love, and until next time!