Coronavirus Vaccine Reported to Only Manifest in Front of Those That Are Pure of Heart and Clear of Mind

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Issue 15, Volume 110

By Ethan Lam 

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As the COVID-19 pandemic ravages the nation and millions of Americans lose their livelihoods to this disease, a small glimmer of hope appeared on Monday night that everything might be alright. The director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Robert R. Redfield received the following message on Monday, May 3, at 7:14 p.m. in an email from the current CEO of ExistenceTM, God, detailing a method to manifest the vaccine for the coronavirus.

We’re Updating Our Terms of Service!

You’re receiving this email because we are updating the Plague Preventions Agreement, which applies to one or more of the ExistenceTM products or services that you are currently using. The updated User Agreement can be found here. This update will allow us to introduce new features while continuing to give you some semblance of control over your pitiful existence. You can look forward to the features below.

By popular demand, as of April 27, 2020, the coronavirus vaccine has been made available in software version 2.020.

In order to address in-game balance issues, the coronavirus vaccine will only appear to the pure-hearted and clear-minded.

Many people have voiced their concerns regarding the seemingly impossible qualifiers. In the past, vaccines have always appeared out of thin air in front of the most wholesome, lovable people in the world, who have never seen war, famine, conflict, or horror. However, following the advent of the Internet, the global population of pure-hearted individuals has seen a drastic decrease due to increased exposure to the selfishness that exists in this dunghill of a world. Selfless people were moved onto IUCN Red List as a threatened species in the year 2000 and were raised to the critically endangered status after 2007. Innocence and intelligence have always been inversely correlated, and because of this, absolute paranoia regarding the pandemic lasting indefinitely only continues to grow.

When questioned regarding the radical changes to the past policy, God had the following to say: “In the past, it was a challenge to find the ‘destined few.’ Whenever I delivered a plague unto a heretic land, it was always fairly difficult to find a savior chosen through divine providence. Back in the old days, they had to fight for it, you know? But ever since version 1.7.96 was released in 1995, it’s honestly been far too easy to find a ‘destined hero’ to save the world, so I’ve updated the criteria required to be [a hero] in order to make events like this more challenging.”

Before patch 1.7.96 was released, children were viable candidates for savior status. As many children are pure-hearted due to extreme stupidity, this oversight allowed the smallpox vaccine to be discovered by English eight-year-old boy James Phipps. Since then, a patch has been made, and children were banned from ‘chosen one’ status, as they made discovering vaccines far too easy and consequently boring.

Following the children ban, world governments have raised select orphans to believe in lies such as the goodness of humanity, artificially creating a legion of pure-hearted adults that would manifest vaccines for various illnesses. Notably, these orphans have so far been responsible for the manifestation of the polio vaccine, the chickenpox vaccine, and the previously classified scurvy vaccine. Of course, under the recent additional stipulations, the Vaccine Harvesting Orphans (VHO) are unlikely to qualify as clear-minded, as they still believe that politicians create laws for the benefit of the people that elected them, and that lawyers defend and uphold the values of the nation. As they have outlived their usefulness, the president has moved to permanently decommission them. The Republican Party has made no other comment on the future of the VHO Foundation.