A Peloton Class With Joe Biden

No-malarkey workouts.

Reading Time: 3 minutes

“Good afternoon, folks!” As you watch your Peloton screen in disbelief, you witness the President of the United States, wearing skin-tight yoga pants and his signature aviators, step onto his Peloton. “Today, we’re gonna be doing a really hard workout, but I want you to remember that we’re in a battle for the soul of your long-forgotten thighs.” Biden taps a button on his ancient Blackberry and Coldplay fills the room. “Now here’s the deal, set your resistance between 10 and 20, and get your cadence up over 100! Because if I’m going to live to be over 100, I’m gonna need every ounce of muscle I’ve got.”

You start pedaling and settle into your rhythm as Biden gives one of his signature motivational speeches. “We’re gonna build back better and make a lot of important changes to the American safety net.” His speech is the first political speech you’ve heard in years that you don’t have to cringe at because it actually contains good ideas, allowing you to tune it out like any normal political speech. Even the burning in your legs seems to fade away as your eyes glaze over from tears of relief because politics is finally back to being heart-stoppingly boring.

Your attention is brought back by Biden taking his hands off the handlebars to fire finger guns in your general direction. “Now ladies and gents, we’re going to kick that resistance up to 45 because I really want you to FEEL what it was like to go toe-to-toe with 45 himself.” You turn the resistance knob up a whole bunch, and suddenly, you feel like there’s an immense weight trying to crush you. It’s almost like you’re trying to carry the hopes of the entire Democratic Party, along with any person who has half a brain, on your back…Oh, the pain! Yet, when you look up at the screen, Biden is now somehow doing handstand push-ups with his hands on the pedals, and his aviators are still in place. “C’mon, man, let’s have a push-up competition!”

Begrudgingly, you drop to the floor (for no mere mortal could pedal and push-up at the same time like Biden) and attempt to coax your couch-potato arms into lifting you off the floor. You shoot a glance at the Peloton screen only to see that Biden is now giving a full gymnastic performance from his Peloton, demonstrating the reflexes he’s trained to dodge Republican filibusters, while simultaneously signing an executive order to give every kid in the United States juice boxes. Desperately, you try putting your knees down to do easier push-ups, but the second you do, Biden shouts “No malarkey!” Crap, how can he even see you through the screen? You barely grind out one more full push-up before collapsing.

When you peel yourself off the floor, Biden is back to talking. “Now folks, I’d like to bring in a good friend of mine to help inspire you.” As you watch in shock, former president Barack Obama walks on-screen. “We got this country out of one recession, and we can do it again. Right, Barack?”

“Of course!” The two fist bump (indeed, their bromance is quite obvious), and Obama steps into the center of the frame. “Now listen folks, I know this is a tough exercise session, but you’ve gotta stick with it. Remember: YES WE CAN!” And with these words, you feel one last surge of adrenaline through your veins, and you get back on the bike and start pedaling. You’re doing it! Ridin’ with Biden! You feel a swelling of patriotic pride in your heart, just as a bald eagle caws outside your window, and for once, you feel good about America.

That’s when the Secret Service agents burst into Biden’s workout studio. “Sir, you can’t just bring a Peloton into the White House! This thing has a microphone and a camera—WAIT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING? ARE YOU STREAMING?” And suddenly, against their wills, the Secret Service agents start doing jumping jacks as Biden continues to pedal, and Obama shouts encouraging platitudes. Even their desire to protect the president has been overcome by the desire to get STRONK.

Finally, Biden slows down, takes off his aviators, and smiles at the camera. “Now that’s what I call a workout! Thanks for joining me, folks. I’ll see you all again soon if McConnell doesn’t put a ban on Pelotons!” And with that, he vanishes in a puff of red, white, and blue smoke, leaving you, your aching muscles, and your newfound sense of American identity to reminisce about the past hour of exercise.