Who Says That Only Human Ghosts Can Come Back?

It is said that on the day of All Hallows Eve, the veil between the living and spirit worlds is at its thinnest. The deceased are able to pass through to our world and walk among us, which is why we must disguise ourselves to avoid facing their wrath. But in which long-revered tradition does it state that only human ghosts could come back? 

In the American Northwest, Trick-or-Treaters may run into the imposing spectral form of a Tyrannosaurus Rex, the scary Cretaceous apex predator of Hollywood fame. While it may already look scary, know that all those teeth are, in fact, sharp, and that the dinosaur’s running speed can range from just under 20 to almost 50 miles per hour! If you see one, know that you’ve already been marked as potential prey, so best get running.

In Australia, in addition to the normal kinds of alive Australian horrors, one may run into a particular kind of ghostly prehistoric carpet creature: the flat, round, 20-centimeter-long Dickinsonia. A bacteria-eating organism, they likely won’t do much to you except resemble the worst kind of bathroom rugs known to man. Your energy is best spent not in avoiding these silly fellows, but rather escaping the variety of other ghosts of long-dead Australian creatures, including but not limited to: giant 6,000-pound wombats, nine-foot-long raptors, carnivorous 18-foot-long monitor lizards, and marsupial lions. Yes, these creatures did feed on megafauna. No, you will not be able to take on these predators any better than the giant extinct herbivores that tried to. 

Meanwhile, on the isolated island of Mauritius, swarms of phantom Dodo birds crowd the shores of the small nation. Fortunately for the residents, all these docile, dumb birds are likely to do is sit and be nuisances to any potential conquerors, which, considering the current climate of political correctness, is very unlikely.

The oceans are also not free of the ghostly parade. Before you take a dip, know that all the world’s oceans are prowled by the one and only Megalodon. You know, the shark the size of a school bus? You’ll only be more excited to know that it ate whales and sea turtles, which they caught by crushing the chest cavity to puncture the lungs and heart. Once again, in the grand scheme of things, you are small and weak and tiny. You are not going to be able to handle this predator better than the extinct whales bigger than you. In fact, you will be swallowed whole. Try lakes or pools if you really want to swim this Halloween, though avoid the lakes with the Dunkleosteus family of fish, because, yes, they are also predators, and no, you really don’t want to experience their strong bite and suction forces.

The most obvious otherworldly visitors of the night may not be the ghosts of these enormous ancient creatures, but rather the countless tiny ghosts of microbes. From cyanobacteria to viruses (yes, they are alive enough to have souls), to prokaryotic organisms, these tiny phantasmic entities pile up on land and in the water, creating a suffocatingly haunting atmosphere with no clear origin except the vague ectoplasm-y feeling all around you. Don’t worry, though, as most of these little guys are as harmless as they come! Except for the occasional smallpox, plague, typhus, STIs, and cholera bacteria, among others, of course. Just hope that you’re only surrounded by the harmless photosynthetic archaea. 

While others are busy protecting themselves for the return of the spirits of their angry ancestors, at least you will be equipped with the necessary knowledge of places of even greater danger to avoid. Because, while you can probably handle the vengeful ghost of Great-Grandma Gabby, who died of tuberculosis, you cannot handle the might of the ghost of a Tyrannosaurus Rex.