What if Countries Could Talk to Each Other in WWII?

September 1939

Poland: Oh no, not you again…

Germany: Yes, it’s me again.

Poland: This is the 50th time you’ve invaded me in the last century!

Germany: Yes, but Russia has too. And this time, you have a million men! You can certainly make this more entertaining! It’ll be more fun!

One month later…

Germany: Come on, you can do better than that, Poland.

Poland: Have you not realized that you are 51-0 against us? We’re Poland, the punching bag of Europe. We’d probably lose a war against Luxembourg.

Luxembourg: *trying to exude confidence* Exactly, our mighty army of 425 men would absolutely destroy you guys.

Germany: Right, forgot about that. Anyway, thanks for the easy path to Russia.

Poland: I hope you get Napoleoned in Russia, you arrogant invaders!

April 1940

Germany: Hi, Denmark. Mind if I pass through?

Denmark: Nope, just need to get your visas ready.

Six hours later…

Denmark: Here you go, you’ve conquered us now. Congrats.

Germany: How in the world are you easier to conquer than Poland? They’re Poland! Haven’t you heard? You can’t be worse than Poland.

Denmark: Well, all of our defenses are made of LEGOs.

Germany: Even LEGOs should be stronger than Poland.

May 1940

Belgium: Oh, come on, not again. I thought we were neutral!

Germany: Yes, but I need to get to France. How could I get to France without going through you guys?

Belgium: …By going to France.

Germany: Yes, but France has amassed a looooot of soldiers on our border, so we have to go through you guys. Also, you’re Belgium, the speed bump of Europe. We have to go through you (and get some Belgian waffles).

Belgium: *rolls its eyes* Whatever. You’re welcome for the waffles.

June 1940

Germany: France, what was that?

France: What do you mean, “what was that?”

Germany: You guys defended yourself about as badly as Poland did. It was as if you were fighting with croissants and baguettes.

France: To be fair, croissants do look like guns. 

Germany: Now, how do I justify invading Belgium if we could have just invaded you guys from our border?

France: I don’t know. Maybe you just wanted to Blitzkrieg some waffles?

Meanwhile, in Asia…

China: Look, Japan, you’ve somehow united the Communist and Nationalist parties and made a temporary ceasefire in the Civil War!

Japan: Uh, okay. Your land is still very nice despite all the carnage. It’d be very kind of you to give us all your land. Please?

China: Sorry, that’s not in the ceasefire.

Japan: We could’ve struck a good deal. Oh no, here comes the United States and Britain.

China: Haha, you’re screwed.

U.S. and Britain: We need our colonies back and China’s independence.

Japan: Aren’t your colonies supposed to be independent anyway? 

U.S. and Britain: Yes, but money. Money money money!

A few years of island-reconquering later…

Japan: Oh come on, we needed those islands’ resources.

U.S.: Even Wake Island, Middle of Nowhere?

Japan: Yes, they have a lot of useful uhh… sand.

U.S.: Bruh, you have more than enough sand on your more than enough islands in Japan.

Japan: Ugh, FINE…

Back in Europe…

Germany: Why can’t the Luftwaffe beat your boringly named Royal Air Force?!

Britain: Maybe because your Luftwaffe is basically a bunch of flying waffles? At least that’s what the Luftwaffe sounds like. 

Germany: Not the waffles again…

Meanwhile, on the Eastern Front…

Russia: Haha, we’ve once again lured someone into the Russian winter.

Germany: Stupid Stalingrad, why did we have to get our entire army trapped there?

Russia: Maybe you were just Stalin’ because you were too scared to continue in the cold Russian winter.

Germany: NO, I will not allow you to pun me.

Russia: Don’t worry, Poland, we’ll push Germany out and be your great savior!

Poland: As if you’ve never conquered us before as well… 

June 6, 1944

Germany: *panicking* NEIN NEIN NEIN, the Allies have actually put together an attack to get back France.

U.S.: Yes, of course we did. We’d never send our planes in the entirely wrong direction and hope that they find anything other than water to bomb.

Britain: And we didn’t have to use another famous French beach to save our soldiers after we completely failed to defend France.

Germany: Oh no, we’re toast. 

Britain: Like a waffle?

Germany: Stupid Belgian waffles, it’s all Belgium’s fault!

May 1945

Russia: Yay, we finally did it!!

Britain: Two of the most capitalist countries and a communist country are celebrating this win like the best of friends!

U.S.: Let’s go to Waffle House to celebrate with waffles!

Germany: THOSE DAMN WAFFLES–

THE END