U.S. Discovers Oil on North Sentinel Island

Days after Christian missionary John Chau was killed by natives of the isolated North Sentinel Island, a spokesman for the U.S. military announced that massive underwater reserves of crude oil have been detected off the island’s coast.

Mr. Puppe Et, a high-ranking official in the U.S. Navy, told a crowd of journalists and reporters that various submarines deployed in the area had found that the local underwater terrain was flush with plentiful supplies of oil. He also announced the beginnings of future efforts to extract, process, and transport the oil back to the U.S.: “We are pleased to announce that the U.S. Navy will play an integral part in a brand-new initiative to ensure that our great country can use this clean, environmentally safe resource to power its booming economy for years to come.”

During the spokesman’s speech, dozens of journalists in the audience received notifications that North Sentinel Island had been invaded by the U.S. mil***REDACTED DUE TO ILLEGAL INFORMATION***

***This article has been adapted by the U.S. Navy, the U.S. Air Force, the U.S. Marine Corps, the U.S. Corps of Engineers, the CIA, the NSA, the FBI, the IRS, the Department of Homeland Security, Mark Zuckerberg, and the traffic camera outside of your house.***

***PROCEED: GOVERNMENT-SANCTIONED INFORMATION***After a short and peaceful campaign by Red Cross forces allied with the U.S. Health Force, the people of North Sentinel Island have agreed to incorporate democratic values into their regressive, intolerant culture. The chief of the Sentinelese people cooperated with U.S. forces and signed an agreement (under no threat of force whatsoever) to leave the island and accept a popular democratic government ruled by a benevolent executive. Local elections to choose representatives in a new parliament will take place on April 1, 2019. President Trump declared the peaceful campaign “a bigly success” and promised the American people in a formal speech that democratic values will be spread all around the world before the end of his first term, with absolutely no possible delays or problems. He also granted John Chau a posthumous Congressional Medal, apparently for his great achievement in “spreading democracy around the world, whether it likes it or not.”