‘Tis the Season to Be Cheap

Issue 7, Volume 113

By Gabriella Hoefner 

It’s that time of year again! No, I’m not talking about seasonal depression. I’m talking about Christmas, a.k.a. capitalism’s favorite holiday! The constant ringing of Mariah Carey’s voice in your ears reminds you that the holiday season is approaching fast, and you need to start investing in presents for all the special people in your life to avoid looking like a jerk. Unfortunately, Santa didn’t leave a credit card under your Christmas tree, and there’s only so much you can buy with your McDonald’s salary. Have no fear, though, because we’ve compiled a list of the top five ways to save money on holiday shopping:

5) DIY

The best gifts come from the heart, right? This holiday season, try crafting something with your own two hands to show your loved ones that you don’t support soulless corporations. For this homemade gift, you can use anything you find lying around your house, so no purchases are necessary! Possible gift ideas include but are not limited to: a sock puppet, a piece of paper covered in glitter glue, a goodie bag filled with leftover Halloween candy, a coloring book from when you were nine, or some dirt. And if anybody actually spends money on a present for you, (which we doubt will happen), that’s their loss.

4) Skip the Wrapper

Christmas presents are known for their ornate wrapping paper and shiny ribbons. However, the frivolous art of gift-wrapping takes time and effort, so some folks take the lazy way out and opt for a simple gift bag. Still, those bags cost money, and that’s bad. Instead, we recommend you simply avoid wrapping your gifts at all—not only will you save money, but you’ll also reduce your carbon footprint by eliminating all the waste that comes with wrapping paper. Wow! Look at you being a good person! If you’re still worried that your gifts are lacking in presentation, you can always throw them at full force to the recipient when they’re not looking—they’ll be so disoriented that they won’t notice the wrapping paper, or lack thereof. If the person is knocked unconscious on impact, at least you won’t have to face their judgmental stares as they “open” your lackluster present.

3) Go Thrifting!

If you’re unsure of what to get for that special someone, head on over to your local Goodwill, and you’re sure to find the perfect gift. You’ll also find a wide variety of things you didn’t know you needed, such as Simon Cowell Bobbleheads, Iridescent Cowboy Boots, Bedsheets with Questionable Stains, Spongebob T-Shirts, and Plastic Bags filled with Rusty Nails (all for under $5!). Sure, you run the slight risk of infecting your loved ones with millions of unknown pathogens, but at least it’ll be a gift they won’t forget!

2) Become a Hermit

You don’t have to spend money on Christmas presents if you have nobody to buy presents for. Once December rolls around, it’s time to pack up your bags and completely isolate yourself from your friends and family! As long as you can endure the lack of human interaction and stress from the 13 missed calls from Mom, this method has proven to be highly effective, reducing holiday spending by 100 percent.

1) Just Don’t Buy Presents!

For those who are bold enough, defy the materialistic expectations of the holiday season by simply not getting presents for anyone. Not only will your wallet breathe a sigh of relief, but your friends and family will also see that your love for them is so strong, you don’t need to express it through meaningless objects. So what if your three-year-old niece throws a temper tantrum because you didn’t buy her the Elmo doll she asked for? She needs to learn how to survive in the real world, or she’ll never make it to kindergarten. Still, if some of your loved ones feel the need to prove themselves through gift giving, you should kindly accept their offers so as to maintain their goodwill.

Hopefully, this guide will help you narrowly avoid bankruptcy during this year’s holiday season. Now you can enjoy your Starbucks mochapeppermintcaramelcocoajinglebellgingerbread frappuccino and watch Curious George: A Very Monkey Christmas in peace, because that’s what Christmas is really about, right? Happy holidays, and have a December to Remember!

***Disclaimer: The Spectator is not responsible for any damage to relationships caused by this guide.