Tips for Returning to Stuy!
Issue 9, Volume 113
When one wakes up to the sound of an alarm for the first time after break, they are overcome with an immense wave of melancholy, reminded of all of those horrible past mornings when they were forced to begin this same way. This, my friend, the transition back from break, is the ultimate test of our spirits. But we shall not be broken! The rest of this article contains some tried-and-tested tips—keys to success, if you will—that will keep you fighting during these terrible, terrible times.
1. Rely On Your Friends For Help
One of the perks of not being a secluded recluse is that there are people around you willing to lend a helping hand. If things get too tough as you struggle to find your way back into the Stuy groove of thangs, make a big deal out of how hard your life is and capitalize on your friends’ oozing sympathy glands to get the homework answers you need. If your answ—friends still choose to not give you what you want (or more accurately, what you need), shame them for being not just terrible companions but also terrible human beings, and they’ll most likely come around. I mean, let’s be honest: why did you befriend them in the first place? Remember: at Stuyvesant, every time you begin a new “friendship,” think of it more like a financial investment than anything of real emotional significance.
2. Stress Eat
Remember how yummy all that holiday food was? Remember how safe it made you feel and all of the positive experiences that you now associate with it? Well, there you have it! To return to that happy place, just stuff your mouth with everything you can get a hold of. If you’re concerned about how this binge eating will damage your body or your cholesterol levels, do not fret, because Stuyvesant’s extremely rigorous and physically demanding physical education program will surely force us back into shape, right? You know how a bear eats and drinks nonstop in the fall to prepare for hibernation? Think of this time like a bear’s autumn: If you eat a lot now, then when finals season rears its ugly head, you can spend all day studying like a good Stuy child instead of doing other basically unnecessary things like eating.
3. Stage a Coup D’état
Look, I get it. Sometimes Stuy can drive a man or woman to X-treme measures. If you really can’t take it anymore, if the workload is just too much to handle straight back from a winter break, then gather up all the like-minded peers you can find and seize control for yourself. Who even gave the teachers this right to control your every action? If this institution was truly just, the students would be able to determine their workload and their leaders. If the current leaders won’t allow you this right, then I say we take it for ourselves! ¡Viva la revolución! RAHHHHHH!
Indulge yourself before the next period of school! Go buy yourself something good! It doesn’t matter whether you’re purchasing a new bag of Muji pens and notebooks or you’re restocking your caffeine supply. Fill up that Amazon shopping cart with all the goodies imaginable. Remember that blending water bottle you saw on TikTok? Or that wonderful duck lamp that lights up when you squish it? Remember: whatever poor financial decisions you make, just blame it on the New Year, and no one will judge :). Okay, maybe not “no one,” but not us at least, and isn’t the validation of two random junior writers in the Humor Department of a high school newspaper all you need?
5. Make Resolutions
Ah yes, New Year’s Resolutions: the true test of mental fortitude and willpower rivaling that of the event that occurs in November or maintaining a good sleep schedule. Here we have collected some really simple ones to get you started on your own DIY resolution list. Easy resolutions: participate once in class, get halal cart once a week, survive the cafeteria food. Medium difficulty: finish your homework before class every day or remember to bring your PE clothes to class. Extremely difficult resolutions (attempt at your own risk): become a billionaire, don’t write an English essay/Spectator article the hour before the deadline, don’t cram for an entire test the night beforehand, get enough sleep, confess to your crush, have tea with Elon Musk, go to the Olympics for modern pentathlon, fly a Lockheed SR-71 Black Bird over the Crimean Peninsula… Okay, the last few might be a tad fantastical, but these should just be getting the cogs in your head turning for your own lists.
Let us all come together to mourn the end of another long-awaited and much-deserved break. Moment of silence, please… Welcome back to school! Mark your calendars with the next break! The next objective is in sight, my good ladies and gents! Trudge onward! Remember the good times during break and use those memories as your fuel to make it to the next one! Together, we will conquer these terrible, terrible times. Good luck, and we’ll see you then!