The Top Five Places to Use Your Phone in School

Do you constantly need to use your phone? Currently suffering from chronic onlineness-induced phone withdrawal? Are you already on your 10th confiscation, with a 10-day suspension knocking on your door? Never fear, the Humor Department is here: we’ll tell you all about the best places to use your phone in Stuyvesant, all thoroughly tested by members of our team! 

First up: the stairwells. If you’re desperate enough to whip out your phone while climbing the stairs, you should really reevaluate your priorities. Sure, there aren’t any security cameras, but is an extra minute of reels between classes really worth potential brain damage from tumbling down two flights of stairs? If your blue light cravings do get the better of you, we advise you that your chances of getting caught depend on which stairwell you use. Main stairwells are very high-risk, as some of the staff like to torture themselves in the name of exercise. The side stairwells (including the notorious Hudson Staircase) are less traversed, but please be wary of other students’… extracurricular activities. As such, if you’d like to avoid any unpleasant surprises, ranging from a jumpscare from Mr. Simon to very involved group work, steer clear of the stairs. Do not recommend. 

Dean Encounter Chance: 33.00 percent

Rating: 1/10

Next, the most convenient (but disgusting) location: the bathroom. Going to the bathroom to look at your phone is a terrible idea. Even so, everyone has done it at least once, whether it be to submit an assignment they’ve forgotten about or to ditch class for scrolling time. However, sitting on the communal ceramic throne playing Clash of Clans and subjecting others to wait anxiously for a stall to empty isn’t just a recipe for back pain; it’s cruel! Let those poor kids empty their bladders! Stand outside a stall or, better yet, go to a higher-rated location. Not to mention, the stench will likely give you permanent nasal damage. Besides, if a teacher walks in, hurriedly shoving your phone, or worse, your laptop, into your back pocket looks incredibly suspicious. (Or so says a member of our team; I could never be caught in such a humiliating manner). However, the advantage is not to be ignored: rarely do teachers enter a bathroom with the sole intent of confiscating tech, and many of them may even turn a blind eye in these silently acknowledged neutral zones. If you’re in a rush, this is your safest bet. 

Dean Encounter Chance: 6.00 percent

Rating: 3/10 

Third: the Half-Floor. Teachers seem to suffer a similar affliction to the rest of the school—the desire to avoid freshmen. As such, the Half-Floor is usually devoid of staff, making it an ideal location to use your phone. The trade-off is that you (or your device) may become collateral damage while uncoordinated freshies navigate the area with a signature lack of spatial awareness, or worse, that you may be mistaken for a freshman yourself. However, if you value your doomscrolling more than your dignity, this might be the place for you! Between the mountains of backpacks, jackets, and panicky freshmen, it’s easy to shove your phone away before a teacher notices. Just make sure not step on abandoned packs of vending machine Doritos (or anyone’s head). 

Dean Encounter Chance: 15.00 percent

Rating: 7/10 

Nice! If you’ve gotten this far, you’re finally discovering the classier methods of screen-time smuggling. Our second-best location: the backpack. This is more of a method than a location, but it works best in the cafeteria or hallway, where you’re not inconveniencing anyone else. Simply open your bag, shove your device as deep inside as you can manage while still being able to see it, and scroll to your heart’s content. Choose a floor that tends to be more crowded to minimize the amount of attention a teacher will pay you—they’ll be so busy confiscating phones from the “phone in book” kids that they won’t even pay attention to someone with their head shoved in their school bag. Pro tip: Have your calculator right next to your phone. In the unlikely event you get called out, simply pull the calculator out to present to the teacher and simultaneously allow all the loose papers and other junk in your bag to cascade over your phone, doubly protecting you from being caught.  

Dean Encounter Chance: 23.00 percent

Rating: 9/10

The final (and best) place to use your phone is… the classroom! Even teachers are quite fond of this option, frequently taking out their phones to flaunt in front of students. If you pull your phone out in class, making no effort to hide it, your teacher will be so shocked, so shaken by your audacity, that they will be unable to process what’s happening in front of their own eyes. The extra 10 seconds of social media time you get from this legendary move is undoubtedly worth the legendary lecture you’ll get from a dean. The cons? Don’t worry about those.* Please note that this method may only work once in each class, depending on the teacher. 

Dean Encounter Chance: 99.00 percent (as the teacher will likely summon one) 

Rating: ∞/10

* See page 143,069 of the student handbook for details. 

Note: We are not responsible for any device confiscations that may occur due to this article.