The Stuyvesant ABCs (Superior Version)

The incoming fresh meat might find this incredibly useful.

Reading Time: 4 minutes

Welcome (back) to Stuyvesant High School! Hope you’re ready for another year of tortu—I mean, learning! Let’s start with the basics since I’m sure you forgot everything over the summer. Without further ado, here are Ms. Dong’s lessons on the ABCs!


The incoherent screaming in your brain when you failed to comprehend and solve the first problem on the math test you totally studied for. 

B is for Brain Cells

Admit it, you don’t have anything inside there. 

C is for College Board

A nickname for Satan. Emptying the pockets of all students is their first step towards world domination. 

D is for DeltaMath 

Look me in the eye and tell me, “No, I did not start my DeltaMath homework on the last week of break.” That’s right. You can’t. 

E is for Excuses

Start coming up with them now; you’ll need them to justify why you need an extension for the umpteenth time. And no, clubs are not an excuse. You know what is a valid excuse? Your dog ate your homework.  

F is for Freda

My article. My alphabet meme. My letter.

G is for Gourmet Market

Bacon Avocado Chipotle 20/10; too bad no one knows about this place and buys Ferry’s cheap imitations instead. 

H is for Hudson 

The infamous staircase is popular for its overly explicit PDA. (Also, the secret entrance to the 11th floor, but shhh, don’t tell anyone I told you that!)

I is for ID

Stuy requires you to see your ugly freshman self every morning so you’re reminded of how pathetic you are. You think you can avoid your inner patheticness by forgetting to bring your ID? LOL, enjoy your walk of shame into the attendance office!

J is for Jupiter

The planet Stuyvesant students are obsessed with the most. After all, it determines whether or not you get smacked by your parents for being a brainless idiot. 

K is for Knowing 

The only way to succeed at Stuy is to know all of your teachers’ dirty secrets and blackmail them for a good grade.

L is for Loser

The true identity of every person that graces the halls of Stuyvesant High School, because none of us have a life or touch grass due to the insane amount of work we have to complete. Seriously though? Skill issue.

M is for Mr. Moran

Hear jingling keys? Hide your lunch, your AirPods, your phone, stop smooching your significant other, and rUn. 

N is for Never Gonna Give You Up~

No comment :)

O is for Overthinking

Oh honey, there’s no need to worry, because you totally failed that biology test because you changed all your answers last minute. 

P is for Procrastination

A skill every Stuy student perfects by graduation. 

Q is for Quitting

Not going to lie, I asked my boss Erica what to put for this entry, and she said it’s good to quit smoking and doing drugs, so likewise, you should also quit school! No more crying over bad teachers for you! :D

R is for Rejection

Whether from clubs or leadership positions or colleges or your crush, better get used to it because you need that ego-check and self-esteem issues. 

S is for Sleep (Deprivation)

You’re finally getting that 10 hours of sweet oblivion, only for you to realize it's a dream when your teacher calls you out for sleeping in class.

T is for Terry’s

You know this place is awful when “Fake Terry’s” gets more customers than the original. 

U is for Uniforms

PE teachers will destroy your grades if you forget to wear your uniform, even if you just failed your science test. You can always just wear your uniform 24/7, but you’ll risk getting canceled for being a freshman AND failing gym class, and you will not be getting any sympathy from me. 

V is for Veggie Chicken Nuggets

These soggy, sorry excuse for a lunch reminds you why it’s better to forgo food to do your homework instead.

W is for Wisdom

Our motto may be Pro Scientia Atque Sapientia, but bold of you to assume this trait exists amongst a population of tired, groggy teenagers AND adults. 

X is for Xylophone 

You think I actually have an entry for this???

Y is for Yu

The Humor Department’s favorite punching bag. 

Z is for Zoom

The bane of students’ existence and the reason true snow days no longer exist. Good luck trying to escape its grasp (see: Canadian Apocalypse Friday)! 

Special Mention: asdfghjkl is for

“I can’t believe this,” or *EXPLETIVES*, or “Why am I here, just to suffer?”

If you made it to the end, congratulations, you passed Pre-K! I can’t wait for when we sing the ABCs together ^.^