Humor

The Spectator Asks: Where Are Our Alums Now?

Issue 7, Volume 112

By Alexander Chu, Aniket Roy 

Cover Image

Going to a prestigious school like Stuyvesant has its perks. Students can go outside during their lunch periods, have access to great educational resources, and occasionally sit in the Whole Foods cafe longer than allotted. In this issue, we’ve decided to take a look back and see where a few of Stuyvesant’s alumni are in their lives. We were very lucky to get the chance to interview three Stuyvesant alums from the Class of 2018 and hear the illustrious journeys that they have embarked on after their days in Stuyvesant came to an end. Peculiarly, all of our interviewees shared one commonality—they were all rejected from their dream schools because of old Stuyvesant Confessions posts resurfacing. These particular confessions posts resurfaced in 2018, when the Stuyvesant Confessions database was hacked and a spreadsheet was leaked, detailing the authors of many wild confessions…

NOTE: All names have been changed to preserve anonymity.

Lisa Chung

Yearbook Quote: “Getting a life was harder than taking AP Calculus.”

Lisa Chung told us how she was a model student who had perfect grades and participated in a multitude of extracurriculars, some of which included Robotics, Speech and Debate, and the one and only Stuyvesant Spectator. However, it was rather surprising to learn that Lisa didn’t end up in an elite college. She shared how she actually studied abroad because no college in the US would accept her.

Lisa reasoned that she was rejected because admissions officers unearthed a Stuyvesant Confession post she wrote anonymously. Her confession was as follows: “Every time I'm in AP Calculus, I’m daydreaming about Tom Holland treating me like I’m a Jenga puzzle. I promise I will go to church every Sunday. Plz don't judge me.”

Unfortunately, Lisa is a prime example of how people lose their marbles at the first thought of a celebrity. But honestly, we also want Tom Holland to treat us like a Jenga puzzle, so it’s not like she’s wrong. Anyway, Lisa now runs a private VR Simulation Lab that specializes in shirtless celebrity avatars.

James Miller

Yearbook Quote: “Me know who’s really smart? Read the first word.”

We were once again surprised when we learned that James Miller, a top-level squash player, didn’t receive any offers to go pro in the United States, but was instead offered a scholarship to a college in Egypt. With his decent grades and exceptional athletic prowess, it was almost unfathomable as to why he wasn’t offered any scholarships in his native country—the United States—to play squash. We soon began to understand James’s ultimate demise after he shared his dreadful past that came back to haunt him.

James shared how he wrote a Stuyvesant Confessions post as a sophomore anonymously, but his identity was leaked, which led many admissions offices to turn a blind eye to the wondrous athlete. His post read: “Got hot ‘n heavy in the Hudson with some teacher. Called me into her office the next week to tell me she hasn't experienced her time of the month, GIRL DOES IT LOOK LIKE I’VE SEEN IT?! IDFK where it ran off...”

Today, James is currently training to represent Egypt’s national squash team. However, to this day, he is still confused as to why there are letters requiring him to pay something called “child support.”

Donald Wang

Yearbook Quote: “I vibed on another wavelength than most; must be why I had no friends”

Wang had mediocre grades, was well-liked by most of his peers, and was projected to have a very successful career. Because he was baptised at birth though, the Roman Catholic Church started to pressure him to become a bishop as opposed to a recruit in the U.S. Army. He ended up caving in and joined as a deacon.

Donald shared his thinking as to why he made such a drastic decision in his life. He detailed that in his junior year, he made a Stuyvesant Confessions post because he was “down bad.” Contents of Donald’s post were as follows: “Look, I'm a junior who's also a big sib. And it just so happens that I have caught feelings for my little sib. And I'm sort of disappointed in myself because she's a freshman and I'm a junior, and I think I need some therapy right now.”

Donald took up his own advice and is now seeking God’s forgiveness to repent for his sinful behavior during high school. Donald is currently unemployed but hopes to join his local church one day as a youth pastor.

We are very thankful for these three alumni who were all willing to speak with us about their experiences after high school. We hope that future Stuyvesant students can learn from their experiences so that these mistakes won’t be repeated. An important lesson to take away from this is that for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, plus a social media overreaction.