The Shows That Shaped Us
Issue 12, Volume 113
So, you grew up with no friends, huh? That’s alright, so did we. But who needs friends when you have iconic characters like Dora the Explorer, Big Bird, and Mr. Squarepants himself to keep you company? If you were lucky enough to own cable, your formative years were centered around Nickelodeon, PBS Kids, Cartoon Network, and the Disney Channel. While they’ve long since been buried in the deepest crevices of your memory, the type of shows you watched as a kid played a fundamental role in developing your personality. And if you didn’t watch any of the shows listed, then you simply do not have a personality. Sorry.
So, this is what your favorite childhood TV show says about you. Warning: this gets personal, horrifying, and surprisingly sexual?!
Are ya ready, kids? If you spent your weekends watching this goofy yellow sponge, chances are you have a top-tier sense of humor!
Just kidding—no, you don’t. You may think you’re funny, but you’re not. Like, at all. (We know because we were the Spongebob Kids.) Having no social life, you’ve probably watched every single episode at least 20 times, and now you constantly make obscure references that only you understand. We hate to break it to you, but nobody knows what you’re talking about when you ask if mayonnaise is an instrument or when you burst into hysterical laughter at the number 25. Also, please stop sexualizing Squidward.
Dora the Explorer:
You became a girlboss in the best way possible. Dora was such an icon for this generation of entrepreneurs. She was constantly put down and discouraged by her enemies but remained firm in her desire to explore and learn. Also, we think Swiper the Fox is a metaphor for late-stage capitalism, and we will not elaborate. All things said, give us your autograph now because we'll be able to sell it for a fortune when you’re famous.
How’s your relationship with your parents? Yeah, that’s what we thought.
NERD. You’re telling us you actually watched intellectually and emotionally stimulating content? Laaaaaame. So what, you learned how to recite the alphabet before age 10? Show-off. Go numb your brain cells on some Teletubbies like the rest of us, loser.
Alright, now this is where it gets interesting. Who you are now, down to the smallest cracks in your personality, translates directly to which of the three Powerpuff Girls you most enthusiastically saw yourself in. If you found Bubbles relatable, you’re probably insanely talented and too good for this world. If you were always a Blossom type of child, here’s a reality check: you don’t have it as together as you think. It’s okay. And if you were in love with Buttercup… see you at the next Spectrum meeting!
Years of watching Peppa Pig likely caused you to develop a British accent, much to the horror of your family and friends. And if you’re reading this and thinking, “Hey, I watched Peppa Pig every day for six years and I’m 100 percent American, goddammit,” chances are your parents sent you to speech therapy to get rid of the accent. Also, you definitely got noise complaints from your neighbors after trying to imitate Daddy Pig’s snort.
Bob the Builder:
You are a complete and utter agent of chaos. Everything going wrong in your life stems from the time you responded, “No, we can’t!” to “Can we fix it?” Your status as a villain was solidified, and now you have to live your life in disgrace.
You probably came up with headcanons about which dogs should get together. Like, romantically. And thus began your career as a Wattpad writer. Looks like your most recent Rubble x Marshall story has a grand total of 12 reads. Impressive! Oh, and if Chase was your favorite pup, get out. Nobody likes you.
Sofia the First:
“Growing up in the village, I was alright, then I became a princess overnight…” These lyrics have lived rent-free in your brain since the first moment Sofia the First aired. If you watched this cartoon as a child, you probably grew up to become one of the most horrifying creatures known to man: a theater kid. Every time an episode played, you ran to the TV to belt out the theme song with all your heart (much to the dismay of your neighbors). And don’t even try to pretend you never thought Sofia’s older sister was hot.
Phineas and Ferb:
If Phineas and Ferb was your go-to, you got screwed up™. You’re telling us you watched that show without developing some sort of body dysmorphia? I mean, have you seen Candace’s neck? But it’s okay—you don’t need to have a triangular head or a blocky, rectangular body to be beautiful. We love you just the way you are.
Now THIS was gold tier. Give your parents a pat on the back, because they exposed you to the perfectly right thing for you during those core developmental stages. The characters? The animation? The plot? The real-world education? THE VEGIMALS, FOR GOD’S SAKE? We have no doubt that you turned out alright. Kwazii had and will always have our heart.
So, there you have it. Hopefully, these cartoons didn’t mess you up too badly, but they probably did (looking at you, Teletubbies enthusiasts). And if we forgot to include your favorite show—no, we didn’t.