The Queen of England Has “Entered a New Phase” and We “May Not See Her until Next Year,” Experts Say
Issue 7, Volume 112
By Ethan Lam
In a shocking turn of events, the Queen of England has ceased her tyrannical hold over Great Britain and withdrawn into the depths of Buckingham Palace. The people of England cheered as this meant that for the time being, they would no longer need to provide one-ninth of their annual harvest to the Queen as a feudal tithe nor would it be necessary for a randomly selected village to sacrifice a virgin every year to appease the Queen's corgis.
However, the fact remains that the Queen will return one day and no one knows what she will be doing until then. Some have proposed that she may be charging up her power for an energy blast of massive proportions in order to smite Meghan Markle. They fear the Queen may have discovered that Markle is really two CIA agents in a trench coat as part of Operation “The Revolutionary War II: Infinite Requiem Genesis Origins Resurrection: Tokyo Drift—Coming to IMAX theaters near you.”
Others have disagreed, stating that her current form is merely her larval stage, and the real reason for her absence is that she will be entering her chrysalis and emerging in her perfect form. She will rise as a flawless being and subjugate the world, as was foretold in the ancient runes.
Every person the royal family has ever knighted will ride forth as her dread horsemen, including former Prime Minister of the UK and convicted war criminal Sir Tony Blair, the Rider of War; television personality and known sex offender Sir Jimmy Savile, the Rider of Conquest; and founder of Getty Images Sir Mark Getty, the Rider of Death. COVID-19 itself is expected to be knighted as the Rider of Pestilence. Since four major catastrophes have been taken as titles and there’s not enough to go around, the several thousand other knights will be assigned as riders of various minor annoyances, such as the Rider of Stepping on a Lego and the Rider of Telemarketing.
Expert queenologist Judicial Branch offered his theory on why the Queen has decided to withdraw into her lair. “Ever since Brexit, she has been growing weaker because her power level is directly correlated with the amount of fear her subjects generate. Since the UK left the European Union, the number of her subjects has been drastically reduced. Because of this, she has been whittled down to half-health and will soon enter the second phase of her boss fight.” Branch warned everyone to take immediate shelter if they see a health bar appear at the top of their screens accompanied by dramatic choir music.
The United States government has quickly mobilized, hoping to capitalize on her perceived weakness. They cannot kill her, as she has been immortal since she absorbed Princess Diana’s life force in ‘97, so the next best option is to seal her away in another dimension after luring her to the nearest IKEA, which is considered foreign soil and where she is thus weakened. The palace is defended by Mechaphillip™, a cyborg built around the skeleton of Prince Phillip designed to outclass his deceased predecessor in every metric. Officials plan to lure him away with promises of a nearby shuffleboard world tournament.
“I do not know if this will be a permanent solution,” ritual performer Juxtaposition Biology said. “The last great evil to be sealed away was Rushmore, the four-headed president that America imprisoned forevermore inside a mountain, yet we fear the day that the seal weakens and he escapes. With the Queen, we’ll just have to hope for the best as well.”