The Ohio Week in Review

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Issue 4, Volume 111

By Ethan Lam 

From a growing arachno-communist movement to a radical decree from the governor regarding gun laws and more, this is the Ohio Week in Review. Should the knowledge in this article prove too much for your feeble mind, The Spectator is not liable for any damages.

In a shocking decision, the College Board of Ohio has moved to completely phase out the SAT in favor of a multi-level battle royale fighting tournament broadcasted live on television. All 17 forms of Ohioan martial arts, including ki blasts, have been legalized, but the College Board of Ohio CEO Mecha-David Coleman states, “The martial arts are only a single facet. The true test is to lie and manipulate your opponents, which truly tests the preparedness of our children for career paths in politics and law.”

A new movement has started in order to advocate for a race war in Ohio. The movement, consisting mainly of several thousand college dropouts, aims to breed hate but is currently unsure of what minority to oppress, as there is nothing in Ohio but Ohioans. A bill that proposes to invent a new minority to systematically oppress is awaiting ratification.

The entire population of Ohio formed a hive mind on October 10, 2020, at 3:09 p.m. EST. Standing in orderly rows along most roads, the affected citizens chanted, “We are Ohio. Ohio is all. Florida will be ours.” They then began marching toward Interstate 77, likely as a solution to last week’s carpool fiasco. The citizens broke formation after roughly five minutes on October 12, 2020, at 3:14 p.m. EST, shaking their heads dejectedly.

In a unanimous vote, they shakily decided that they didn’t ever want to be in each other’s heads ever again. “Oh god. It seemed like a good idea. You know, sharing minds with people,” said one distressed resident. “But you have no idea what I’ve seen.”

Ohioans opted for the safer route of air travel this week, but they arrived to find Florida deserted, presumably because the weekly Floridian invasion of Ohio had once again happened concurrently as the weekly Ohioan invasion of Florida. They likely went along two separate routes, causing them to not meet each other. After the 160th consecutive failed invasion, California was nominated to be the new invasion state by the high council of Ohioan Elders. However, when the Ohioan forces arrived there, the state was, mysteriously, once again on fire, despite the wildfires having been put out several weeks ago.

Though the seat of power shifts on a biweekly basis based on the results of a ritualistic duel, in a surprisingly progressive move, Ohio governor Mike DeWine is pushing for stricter gun control laws. Despite his right-leaning views, DeWine went on record stating that he truly believes in the cause: “If [the gun laws are] stricter, then you won’t have guns and I will.” This has caused tension among the Republican population of Ohio, not unlike last month’s proposal to separate the state from this timeline. (DeWine had held yet another controversial stance to support the time-walls, saying that “They’re not here to protect us, they’re there to protect everyone else from us.”

In a split five-four decision, the burning of coal SPECIFICALLY for warmth has been outlawed on October 13, 2020. The Fifth Amendment of the Ohioan Constitution states, “No man shall interfere with the workings of gods.” As Santa Claus was recently classified as a type 4 god under Article 5, he has been left unable to fuel his cruel pranks on small children, and the demand for coal was deemed unconstitutional. Recreational coal burning and medical coal-burning remain legal, but they may soon require paperwork for public carrying. Due to the ban, many have been deprived of their life-saving coal. “I’m gonna move to California. See if I can start a wildfire to warm myself up,” one irate resident said.

The Supreme Ohioan Council has once again unanimously moved to support universal healthcare. “We’re not barbarians,” Supreme Justice Conan stated.

The new bill to create a new minority was passed unanimously on October 14, 2020. The newly proposed minority consists primarily of college-age dropouts. Since the publishing of this article, over 20,000 members of this new minority have been rapidly and eagerly oppressed by eager oppressors, as they are reportedly “terrible at Ohioan martial arts.” The young adult novel industry has wholeheartedly approved of this development, stating that the current situation is great fuel for romantic post-apocalyptic-themed novels and sells extremely well for their primary demographic of 11 to 12-year-olds.

Next time: A terrible evil sealed away for 1,000 years, never to return, awakens from its slumber to go to the bathroom. In a controversial decision, child slavery is outlawed, only leaving slavery between two consenting adults legal. Thousands of protestors take to the streets, demanding to know whether or not condom companies invented children to sell more condoms. God reveals in an exclusive interview that he had no part in creating Ohio, and Satan refuses to even say its name. If you feel like throwing up, you may do it now. That’s right, let it all out. I’m sorry you had to read this. We’ll be back for updates next week, and this has been your Ohio Week in Review.