The Holy Grail to a Sane 2026

It’s that time of the year again! And no, we’re not talking about Christmas. We’re talking about that cold, winter day when everyone transitions from hot chocolate and candy canes to lists of their own shortcomings and aspirations. That’s right—Happy New Year, everybody!

Now, speaking of self-aware lists, have you started yours? Have you tried googling common resolutions to see what goals you could best achieve, or, even better, deluded yourself into thinking you have a chance at completing them? Well, if you’ve attempted that but keep getting targets that seem very specialized-high-school-unfriendly, look no further! We’ve compiled a list of resolutions that students taking war-like tests would likely rule out as unachievable. The best part? We know exactly how you can attain them! No dealing with the devil or selling your soul is necessary, we hope!

1. Get some sleep

We know what you’re thinking: “There’s no way I can sleep while clearing out that to-do list of homework and projects!” What if I told you that the solution for your predicament is actually quite simple?

Step one is to build a time machine. That’s it. That’s pretty much the entire plan. Now, whenever it’s late, and you need more time to finish your work, you can turn back time and get those extra few hours. Don’t forget to hold on to your laptop and any other relevant work items when stepping into the machine, so that you can take your current things to the past! 

Now you might say, great plan, but how in the world am I supposed to build said time machine? I’m pretty sure you skipped all the steps that serve as the instruction manual for how to build said machine. And we’d say, why in the world do you go to a specialized high school? Were all those years of prep to get into Stuyvesant worth nothing? Assuming you have made it here and spent quite some time in these four walls, your brain should be working at the speed of Einstein! That’s the entire flex of being a specialized high school student. Oh, but you can’t build things? Are you really gonna let the robotics kids beat you? (If you are a robotics kid, you shouldn’t be reading this paragraph; you should be working on that machine.) If you really value your sleep, take the priceless advice I am offering you at zero cost. Seriously, you wanted help, so here it is.

2. Relax and find new hobbies

Another tough cookie. Man, now I’m hungry; I should bake some cookies myself.

How on earth would one be able to relax or have the time to focus on hobbies, forget finding new ones, while going to school for 7.5 hours daily? If you’ve learned anything about my advice from the previous goal, you might be able to predict the format of this next recommendation.

Step one: get a job. Apologies for not censoring that, but we need money in order for this plan to work. You could obviously go to your rich aunt or uncle, or if you’re broke like the rest of us, you could fire up that resume and start by submitting it to McDonald’s. Step two: now that you have money, you need to find and keep track of every break you get from school that is at least one week long. This means summer break, winter break, midwinter break, spring break, regents weeks—you get the idea. Step three: pick your top three or four favorite travel destinations and assign each break to a specific destination. That brings me into step four: book flights, cruises, vacations, to all of these locations, and each break, go and enjoy yourself. As always, for my plans to work in the way they always do, this cannot be a regular vacation. You are relaxing, finding new hobbies, and finding yourself! We need some ground rules to ensure success:

1. You must spend at least $300,000.
2. You need to exchange phone numbers with each pilot you fly with, create a group chat with all of them, and title it “Besties for the Resties.”
3. You need to overthrow the government of each location you visit and declare yourself the new governor/mayor/president/prime minister. This one is a little hard. I suggest starting a cult as a prerequisite, or getting your pilot besties to help you out!
4. You must eat two tubs of cookies and cream ice cream every week.
5. You must send me 50 percent of however much you spend on each trip, per trip. I take Zelle, PayPal, and Apple Pay. (Yes, this is extremely mission-critical and I cannot ensure success without it.)

Oh, but you still see a problem with the plan? McDonald’s won’t pay that much? Try Wendy’s! KFC! Taco Bell! Your local ice cream parlor! Anything works, really! You know what they say: beauty is pain, and in this case, we need to do some heavy lifting before we reach the pinnacle of achievement.

3. Be more present and happy

Happy while being a student? Impossible, you say! Don’t worry, we have a solution.

Step one is get a dog. Or any pet at all, really! I absolutely adore Pomeranians, but if goldfish are more your speed, that works just as well. Step two is to sneak it into school. Be a ninja, be Batman, it doesn’t matter. Just get the animal inside the school building. Make sure to pack treats because if that pet goes hungry, I will call the police, and if they don’t do anything, I will. Anyway, step three is just to go about your day as normal, except… you now have a fluffy, or scaly (preferably very fluffy), soulmate alongside you. Be more present? This soulmate needs feeding, constant attention; there’s no better way to stay in the present! Be happier? Tell me you’re not happy while holding a fluffy corgi, and I will tell you that you’re lying.

Now, as usual, you love spotting flaws in my plans because you can’t stand my amazing advice, and despite wanting my help, you can’t seem to take it. Problem #1, and perhaps the biggest and only problem, is that teachers and staff will obviously notice the pet and take it and likely keep it (I would too.) The way around this is:

1. Fake or contract a documented medical issue for which you need a support animal. Before you throw the illegal or promoting dishonesty card at me, hear me out: Anxiety? Stress? The plague? Support animals work great for all of the above, just saying.
2. After completing number one, threaten to sue anyone who attempts to steal and keep your pet, charging them with harming the mental and/or medical health of a student in need of a support animal. Suing gets everyone. It works every time. Trust me, I would know. (My mom threatened to sue my principal in elementary school, and it worked! No one wants to face a lawsuit. That’s a lot of work.)

Anyways, you’re so welcome for this gold mine of advice and detailed, well-thought-out, highly legal courses of action! Let me know what you try and whether or not it works! (It will.) Also, just a reminder to please take the time to check up on your neurons and your last two remaining brain cells. And your email! I think that second brain cell just sent in her letter of resignation. Happy New Year! If it doesn’t go as planned, there’s always 2027… and then 2028… and then…