Humor

The Evolution of the Quarantine Girl

Reading Time: 2 minutes

Issue 10, Volume 111

By Krista Proteasa 

Long ago, the four foods Quarantine Girl ate the most lived together in harmony: pizza, cereal, Takis, and Kinder Happy Hippo. Then, everything changed when the pandemic attacked. Only Quarantine Girl, master of all four foods, could stop it, but when Quarantine Girl needed her iced coffee most, it vanished. One hundred years passed, and Quarantine Girl discovered a new reason to reinvent herself: a video-sharing app that shares a name with a popular Kesha song.

She recently downloaded this certain video-sharing app (that shall remain nameless for copyright reasons), and ever since then, she’s been trying to become a completely different person. It started with pink hair dye. Quarantine Girl bleached and dyed pink the two locks of hair that framed her face at precisely 3:37 a.m. on April 28, 2020. The meaning of the pink is unknown, other than the off-chance that pink represents peak teenage rebellion for its strong hue and practically no possibility of being any less subdued. Blue could’ve been a more suitable option, but we’ll never know.

The pink hair didn’t last long, for, after 18 days, she dyed it back to black. After the black hair dye came an innumerable number of fake piercings that Quarantine Girl bought from Claire’s. It’s likely that the fake piercings demonstrated her lack of confidence in her decisions but simply looked cool as well. The fake jewelry was followed by an overwhelming influx of black ripped jeans, black fishnets, and, of course, black rings. This app she downloaded had an extraordinary influence on her.

For a whopping five months, this dark phase in her evolution ensued. Every day, no smiles were exchanged between her and any of her friends. They were all consumed by an arbitrary need to appear as emotionless as the emo bands they once idolized in 2012. However, after everyone on the app stopped acting like this, so did Quarantine Girl. She was quick to dispose of her black wardrobe and move onto the next stage, constantly in search of the mythical clout she and all her friends so desperately craved.

This next stage included almost all the same wardrobe and accessories, but this time, she had to bleach her entire head of hair and put on chains wherever possible. These long chains were very difficult to untangle as many as nine times a day, so they were quickly abandoned as well. One might still be lost in her hair to this day.

As soon as people on the app started posting themselves wearing form-fitting camisoles paired with jeans three to four sizes too large, Quarantine Girl had no choice but to fill her wardrobe with just those. Her shoes were also largely oversized and not even her mother could convince her to purchase well-fitting clothes. Her room quickly became covered in faux vines, record-shaped discs of plastic, and a plethora of rainbow swirls. The room decor caused her too many headaches, so, out of necessity, she had to get rid of it all.

Her entire evolution has lasted almost 11 months so far, and she still hasn’t stably settled on one presentation for her appearance. For now, her appearance will keep rotating like Pluto around the Sun. Her hair is crying for help, and her wardrobe is constantly exhibiting wildly different color palettes, but the fun never stops in Quarantine Girl’s little bedroom.