The Coronavirus, but Donald Trump

The coronavirus gives a speech addressing his “yuge” successes.

Reading Time: 2 minutes

You know, March has been a FANTASTIC month for me, and I really mean it. I’m not going to brag, but I’ve made bigger changes in the world than anyone else. I mean, did you see how many people came to that inauguration in Wuhan? No disease before me has had that much success. Nobody’s ever seen ANYTHING like it. And of course, the left is trying to lie to us with fake news: “Oh, you need masks.” Who wants to wear a mask? It’s like a diaper for your face.

Now, listen. In 2020, those leftists, those bad people—they’re going to try and wipe me out. They tried to do it with that “social distancing” hoax. They’re trying to tell you that you can’t gather together in your churches and that you have to stay at home. That’s baloney. It’s all baloney, folks. What I wanna see is all of you out there in the churches on Easter Sunday. You’re gonna open your mouths wide and start exhaling—singing, I said SINGING—into the air as much as you can. And just go right ahead, give the people around you open-mouthed kisses to show your love for the American spirit. Kiss them all because we need to fight the left’s corruption!

You know, the left, they’ve got this new thing that they’re advertising. It’s this new scheme of theirs where they try and convince you that you’re completely wrong about everything. Now, folks, I don’t know if you’ve heard of it, but they call it… SCIENCE. That’s right! Science! You thought you could trust it, didn’t you? Again, it’s one of those crazy things they want you to believe in. Whatever you do, don’t listen to that hoax.

Very dishonest, really. The Democrats are trying to politicize this whole thing. They’re trying to make it seem like “Oh! COVID’s dangerous!” but they can’t even count. They can’t even count their votes in Iowa! They’ve been trying to turn it on you. They’ve been trying to make it seem like you should be hiding in your bunkers, but they’re lying. This is the most slander any disease has ever had to suffer through in history: the most tremendous, cruel campaign. The press is just trying to silence your voices.

Before I go visit as many parts of this gigundous country as I can, before I do that, I just want to let you know that I am THRIVING. And you people, all you faithful people, you’re going to thrive as well! This is, without a doubt, the biggest movement ever in American history.