THE COMEBACK IS REAL
Issue 15, Volume 113
By Aniket Roy
It’s May 6, 2023—the day I finally write my first Spectator article in seven issues. I’ve been away, taking some much needed “me-time.” I’ve been exploring and searching, trying to find myself. To my fans who have waited for months, I have only two words: I’m back.
Time to write the article. What are some relevant topics? Y/N fanfic, advice for incoming freshmen, college admissions results, seniors dating sophomores, and the new Mario movie. Okay. Let’s choose one. A random number generator picked college admissions results. Bet, let’s get started.
What’s the title? Let’s leave it blank. What’s the art request? Aw, dang it—we’re too late to ask for one. Okay, who cares. Let’s write. First word, first word, first word, first word, word first, word first, drow tsrif, tsrif drow. Let’s take a break!
THREE HOURS LATER
Alright, let’s actually write this stupid article. Wait, what was the general opinion on this year’s college admissions? Let’s look on Facebook. Oh, a new Stuyvesant Confessions post came out. Let’s read it: “I think i’m in love with mickey mouse. seriously. the curve of his luscious ears, the beautiful buttons on his pants, his voice… oh god, his voice… Not a day goes by without me pressing play to hear his high-pitched voice and see his majestic, swaggering skip. I mean, he’s only my second cousin (twice removed at that) but I yearn to experience another conversation with him. I can no longer suppress the urge, guys… I think I’m starting to crack. Send help.”
What an interesting confession. Mickey Mouse is actually kind of hot, now that I think about it: those giant ears, those curves, those beautiful black eyes. How old is Mickey Mouse? Apparently, Mickey is 25 years old. Ehhh, the age difference between us isn’t that bad.
Okay, I got off-track. Maybe my article could be about my love for Mickey Mouse? No. That’s weird. Save that for the bedroom, Aniket. Okay, another break! Jimminy-crickets, the article is due tonight! It’s okay—extension time.
MESSENGER DMS WITH ERICA (MY BOSS)
ME: HEY ERICA! I was wondering if you could give me an extension for this article. I'm struggling with homework right now and can’t focus.
ERICA: Aniket, it’s AP week… What homework could you possibly have?
ME: Oh, it’s homework from my prep place, not school homework.
ERICA: We go to the same prep place, idiot. We didn’t get any homework.
ME (internally): Why are you always trying to ruin my life… is what I should not say.
ME (texting): I mean my other prep place.
ERICA: Whatever. You can have the extension but should realize that this issue was already published.
Read at 6:46 p.m.
Why am I even in this department? I should’ve joined Opinions. Why am I even writing this article? What is the point of life? Why do we exist? You know, in all of my 17 years on this planet, I have only learned one thing:
Every human being relies on and is bound by their knowledge and life experiences. This is what we call “reality.” However, knowledge and experience are ambiguous; thus, reality can become an illusion. Is it implausible to propose that all human beings live solely in their imaginations?
If you figure out where I plagiarized that quote from, you’re a real one. I low-key forgot what I was supposed to write about for this article. Ehh, I’ll just ask them to scrap it.