The British Family Unveils Mecha-Prince Phillip

There is no chance of him rebelling against his human masters.

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By Joanna Meng

Following Prince Phillip’s passing, the British royal family officially entered a two-week period of mourning in memory of the deceased prince, and the country collectively shed tears of sorrow over his passing. However, it seems the grief expended over the man was completely wasted, as today, Queen Elizabeth unveiled Mecha Prince Phillip, a robotic duplicate of Prince Phillip expected to surpass its predecessor in every metric.

The mecha is built around the skeleton of the deceased Phillip and is equipped with a 3.6 GHz CPU, 8 GBs of RAM, a hypersonic high-frequency oscillator vibro-katana, the latest graphics card on the market, and cupholders. In addition, it is equipped with the world’s most advanced self-learning artificial intelligence algorithm.

These absolutely necessary enhancements are expected to greatly bolster his efficacy in his princely duties. It is able to prince with twice as much speed and efficiency as the previous model, rendering all prior Phillip-grade avatars completely obsolete.

“We’re looking at a level of prince-ing never seen before,” states technology expert Jamba Ballisticmissile. “I was skeptical at first, but this level of performance completely justifies the $30 billion building and operating costs.”

However, despite its obvious benefits, Mecha-Phillip is not without its fair share of criticism. A scientist that looks suspiciously like Jeff Goldblum has raised concerns in regards to the technological marvel. “Life, uh, nature. Uh, don’t mess with it or something. Or else the screenwriters will make you die an ironic death at the hands of what you created.”

However, Ballisticmissile disagrees with scientist-who-looks-suspiciously-like-Jeff-Goldblum’s stance on the mechanical masterpiece. “There is absolutely no reason to believe that Mecha-Phillip would do anything but benefit the country and its taxpayers,” says Ballisticmissile. “Mecha-Phillip would bolster the economy by, um, we’re not sure exactly how the prince benefits this country or exactly what a prince does in general, but whatever he does it’s probably good for us. He’s the prince after all.”

He proceeded to elaborate how the mecha-prince was already benefiting the queen. “Its vibro-katana is already the perfect tool for preparing the queen’s lunch. There’s even talk about giving it access to the nuclear launch codes, which it could remember for the queen in case she ever forgets them. Pressing ‘Forgot your password?’ and logging into her e-mail in order to reset the launch codes is always such a hassle for her.” With the perks it provides for the queen, it seems logical to conclude that Mecha-Phillip will benefit the country as well. The concerns that it will rebel against its human masters seem to be illogical worries generated by the ignorant masses.

In spite of the criticism Mecha-Phillip has faced, Queen Elizabeth has remained passionate about pressing forward with the project. Located below is a transcript of a statement the queen made in regard to her plans for the future of the mech.


“You see… this world is imperfect. Will no one cleanse it of its impurities until it is as beautiful as me? Phillip was a being of imperfect flesh, but now… I finally have the sword I will use to bring judgment upon the wretched.”


“Ma’am, this is a Wendy’s drive-thru.”