The 24 Mandates of Remote Learning
Reading Time: 3 minutes
Though the Hallway Code of Conduct no longer applies, remote learning must carry on with strict law and supervision. Straight from Chancellor Richard Carranza’s desk, read the most important mandates that everybody must abide by, effective immediately:
1. Teachers must eat and sleep in the school building and go to their houses every morning to teach their classes.
2. If a teacher accidentally leaves a Zoom call and a student becomes the host, it is that student’s duty to continue teaching the class. That is what the spirit of Stuyvesant has chosen. Carry on accordingly.
3. If a student is made a co-host, he or she is now entitled to the salary and benefits of a Department of Education (DOE) employee. Contact School Chancellor Richard Carranza for more details.
4. Teachers must now give at least a five second warning before visiting breakout rooms to give students time to strike up a fake insightful conversation. Ideally, teachers might even send a group text to the room members, letting them know of their impending arrival.
5. Students must stay in the breakout rooms for the full final minute so the teacher believes the group is having some highly tasteful discussions that must go on until the very end.
6. Cameras must be turned on at all times, especially in breakout rooms, so students can live with the shame of not uttering a word to any of their other discussion partners.
7. Simply unmuting without being called on during discussion is banned. Students must raise their blue hand before talking like a civilized Zoomer.
8. When raising a hand, students must make use of all three options: their physical hand, the blue raise-hand button in the participants window, and the thumbs-up icon. If all else fails, students may raise their left leg.
9. Virtual physical education (PE) class must now be done in the PE uniform. If a student is physically in school that day, the sawed-off upper half of a Hazmat suit must be worn.
10. A DOE study has determined that students don’t exercise sufficiently during online PE. Therefore all teachers must now conduct *completely standard* PE classes over Zoom, leading online running sessions and online basketball games. Remote boxing should consist of students beating the crap out of their laptops.
11. For all chorus and orchestra classes, students must unmute themselves and sing or play at the same time to emulate the musical environment. It is imperative that students keep their earbuds in at max volume during these class periods.
12. Students must remain completely silent when a teacher shares the screen incorrectly or fails to do so, but are permitted to chuckle audibly as long they remain muted.
13. Zoom must add a react feature to comments (c’mon, catch up with Facebook Messenger). All participants must react to a chat that has not been replied to, lest the commenter face the embarrassment of being left on read by 30 people.
14. Instead of “Your Internet Connection is Unstable,” the Zoom message must now read, “Be prepared to hear the sped-up version of this conversation in the next five seconds. Or nothing at all.”
15. Google Meet: just don’t go. Alternatively, students may engage in a fun session of continuously changing the number of visible participants on their screens.
16. If a student is eating in class, he or she must angle the camera down to ensure that the class knows the contents of the meal and is sufficiently jealous of the delicious food.
17. For underclassmen, teachers must host an “icebreaker” session to ensure breakout rooms are as awkward as humanly possible. Whichever group can sustain the longest period of awkward silence gets a hug from Principal Seung Yu.
18. When testing on Zoom, students must ask their questions out loud (and mumble it so that the teacher must ask them to repeat) rather than using the private message chat.
19. If students are not admitted by teachers into classes within 15 minutes of the period starting, students are legally allowed to leave.
20. Students who schedule makeout Zoom sessions with their significant others must do so in Zoom rooms named “The Hudson.”
21. Don’t be the student who asks a complex question with one minute left in class. Not even the teacher likes it, Schneiderman.
22. Also, do not be the person who condescendingly teaches a clearly advanced yet unrelated topic in the chat section. Robert Bork can wait.
23. Teachers must begin class with a healthy dose of chill Lofi music to relieve any Zoom fatigue. Phoebe Buffay put it best: “my eyes, MY EYES!!”
24. To become better acquainted with teachers, all students must schedule at least one hour long Zoom dinner per marking period with teachers in which students and teachers watch one another eat in total silence.