Stuyvesant’s Finest Cuisinaries
A list of great food places in Stuyvesant.
Reading Time: 3 minutes
Have you ever wanted to grab a quick bite to eat after studying for that Quantum test you just took? Fortunately for you, Victor and I have spent time visiting fine restaurants INSIDE Stuy. If you visit these places, make sure to take a pic of you enjoying the amazing food and tweet @StuyFoodJuuls; one lucky winner will get a gift card to one of these places where they can eat free of charge!
This article is sponsored by the Health and Physical Education department.
Ever wanted to go to a luxury resort, but you didn’t have the money to do so? Luckily for you, you can go to the Juul Rooms! The state-of-the-art Juul Rooms include stalls, sinks, and, if you’re in a male-designated room, really weird looking sinks that are stuck to the middle of the wall and have a ton of Juul pods in them! If you’re lucky, there may even be benches or a picture of Dean Vasken Choubalarian smiling at you with approval! Such luxury comes with almost unlimited choices. Not only can you do odd business (we frankly don’t want to know) in peace, but like any typical self-respecting resort, it also comes with many treats at your disposal! For example, why use lead-contaminated fountains when you can hydrate from the sinks of the Juul Rooms instead? In addition to the great tasting water, if you’re lucky, there might be free Juul pods of any flavor on the ground at your disposal! There is a Juul Room on every floor, but it is always busy with people chatting it up and getting their fix. The Juul Room above the Senior Bar is the best social space at school. You will never feel lonely there.
The Student Union (SU) room serves as the evil lair of corrupt young dictators. This is the site of many contraband items mere Stuyvesant plebeians are deprived of. As a result, it is no surprise that the SU room has a bunch of tasty morsels and embezzled snacks. Snacks available in this room often include pretzels and chips that Ms. Pedrick bought too many bags of, expired fruit snacks, and discount Halloween candy. Unfortunately, it is very difficult for average students to get in, and those who are caught (like the guy using the medicinal herbs a few months ago) will be locked up in the janitor’s broom closet.
Freshmen, you guys are really lucky because y’all have to take biology! Sure, this might be the most boring science thanks to the mind-numbing memorization involved, but few people know that dissections are juggernauts of the restaurant industry. Dissections are some of the only chances where you’ll be able to sample exotic foods like earthworm hearts and pig brains. So who cares if people look at you with bewildered stares? They haven’t tried this stuff yet, so if anything, they’re the ones who should be judged!
But let's say you’re a vegetarian and/or you’re not taking any biology courses. Fortunately, the chemistry department offers very delightful beverages such as acetylsalicylic acid (HC₉H₇O₄) that can quite literally quench your thirst forevermore. Though teachers advise not to drink it, they simply do not want students getting their sacred drinks for free.
Unfortunately, the physics department provides no nourishment. However, you can try to cook something during an electricity lab! Who cares about you getting a large percent error that will make Dr. Majewski weep? The important thing is to keep your diet healthy so you can barely survive another day!
Any Room With A Chalkboard
So what’s so important about rooms with chalkboards? Not only are they a really stereotypical teacher nuance, but chalk also actually has a really important mineral: calcium. That’s right, the same stuff that makes your bones strong is found in a common school object. Think about it: there are literally tons of chalk at Stuyvesant. Consuming all of it will mean a great increase in calcium, which means stronger bones, which means you can flex more easily! Coupled with the fact that the powder looks like sugar, chalk is a great, tasty way to support physical health!