Stuyvesant Confessions: Teacher’s Version

Some (fake) confessions by the editorial board's favorite teachers.

Reading Time: 2 minutes

“I keep a bottle of Windex and paper towels under my desk to polish my head between periods.” ––Kerry Garfinkel, English teacher 

“Sometimes I want to chuck my students out the window and into a pile of horse manure.” ––David Hanna, social studies teacher 

“I tell my students it’s not about memorization and the concept must be clear, but to be honest, the concept isn’t even clear to me.” ––Neil Wang, physics teacher

“Even when I’m not feeling well, I still show up to school to watch my students get sick and suffer. I purposely cough on them, too.” —Simon Lu, mathematics teacher

“I was supposed to give my students a quiz, but I was also hungry so I decided to choose food over photocopying quizzes.” —Daisy Sharaf, physics teacher

“One time, I came across a copy of The Catcher in the Rye in the Hudson stairwell that had the words ‘Holden Caulfield has L rizz’ written on the cover.” —Lauren Stuzin, English teacher

“I still avoid Ms. Vollaro’s office ever since she gave me a 58 percent on my 11th-grade parametrics assessment.” —David Peng, mathematics teacher

“I only play music in class to wake my students up from their beauty sleep.” —Robert Sandler, social studies teacher

“I still wish that I had gotten the Welsh mountain climber’s number 30 years ago. It’s okay, maybe I’ll get DiCaprio’s once I get the chance.” —Kim Manning, English teacher

“I have never missed a day of teaching—not even when I flew to Antarctica and made friends with a polar bear for my master’s degree at Columbia!” —Patrick Sunwoo, chemistry teacher

“A former student forgot the sine double angle formula. We never spoke again after that.” —Brian Sterr, mathematics teacher

“My most prized possessions are my hoodies. They juxtapose nicely with the button-downs I wear to scare my students on test days!” —Glen Chew, mathematics teacher

“So what had happened was that I spilled coffee all over everyone’s essays…” —Emilio Nieves, English teacher

“I give so many free periods on double physics days because I like to sneak away to the Hudson and practice opera singing. It helps me cope with teaching about acceleration.” —Thomas Miner, physics teacher

“I level 500 square miles of forest every year to print out packets for my students. Why shouldn’t I? After all, paper does grow on trees.” —Mordecai Moore, social studies teacher

“Waves are like women. They have dual nature.” —Eugenius Majewski, physics teacher

“Just a reminder that all communication via social media is strictly forbidden with your Osnabrück penpals; they may be in love with you (or at least the idea of you), but they are 12-year-olds. Schade, Schade, Schokolade…Oh, bonjour Manu!” —Rebecca Lindemulder, German teacher

“To be honest, I don’t know what I’m teaching––I’m making up this language as I go.” ––Lance Tomas, Latin teacher