Spotify Wrapped 2021
Reading Time: 4 minutes
‘Tis the season of sharing your Spotify listening stats to the socials. Some may think that they are very quirky for listening to more than 30,000 minutes of Spotify this year. Well, this author’s at 70k minutes of 2021 listening. Get on my level (I need help).
According to the credible sources of “I Said So” and my one friend who takes AP Psych, music can tell you a lot about one’s state of mind. For example, if your lo-fi playlist is playing at 1:00 a.m as you cram study for global… you’re the average emotionally pained high school student! If music is any indication, none of us are truly okay. Here’s an insightful analysis of your personality based on the artists that topped your tunes in 2021—no sugarcoating. If your top artist was missed, then I congratulate you deeply for winning the not-basic award. As for the rest of you…
Look, I know it was a moment. I know you thought you were the most angsty teenager to ever exist when “good 4 u” came out. But top five on your Wrapped? Come on now––you’re lamenting over a relationship you never had. You took chemistry at Stuyvesant, but you never had chemistry with anyone. Take that rage and depression to fuel your Calculus homework, or you won’t get a prom to be edgy at in the first place.
I say this as a four-year fan: if these seven guys were topping your charts this time around, you probably need some serious pandemic recovery therapy. They made a few dozen songs about comfort and not being emo in rough times, and you ate it RIGHT up. You probably ate the BTS meal at least 10 separate times too. I’m also going to assume that you dabble in toxic positivity and Twitter rants now, in which case, you’ll need to log off and reflect on your character arc, @jiminmybeloveduwuwuwuwu92839. Take a break from your internet hyperfixations. Maybe shut your phone off. Go on a hike, see the world, or do basically anything that fills your mind with thoughts that don’t surround going to a concert your mom will never agree to.
I will say one good thing––you’re VERY in touch with your emotions. You’re also pessimistic but not in an “oh my god this peanut butter won’t spread evenly on the bread; the universe hates me” kind of way. You’re more apathetic, like, “oh yeah we’ll probably be extinct in 30 years, but that means every little good thing that ever happens now is a sweet bonus to the baseline.” You live in a fantasy world where no one can tell you what to do and where you are not as forever alone as… well, someone who listens to Keshi’s sick beats at 2:00 a.m. It’s a fabulous concept, really. But in the world-world, you gotta take the earbuds out and face your fears. Try not to let out an ungodly scream when he announces his next collab though—my vocal cords could hardly handle the first time around, and I do not wish to subject anybody else to my unique suffering.
You guys have been hyping this legend up and have definitely cried to the cinematography of one of her music video montages in the past few weeks. However, chances are, you’re absolutely embarrassed by listening to the goddess of feel-good pop for whatever reason. I have yet to hear anyone talking about her in person, and that is a crime. Rise up. Wear the Swiftie badge proudly. Maybe it’s time to shake off the insecurities based on other people’s judgment and own your cliché tastes. Classics are classics for a reason, and no, Dua Lipa does not count as one, poser. Also, you know how Keshi listeners pretend they aren’t forever alone? You are like that, but proud of it, because it gives you another excuse to stream “You Belong With Me” for the gazillionth time. Just walk the walk and talk the talk!
Lil Nas X
Oh Lil Nas X listener, you pretend to have the most solid taste in music, but let’s be real: you definitely only learned about the rest of the discography when people online started making obscure references to it. You need to solidify your sense of identity or you will wind up with a confusing set of perceived interests that are really just trends you went along with and will regret by the time you’re 86 and your grandkids don’t love you anymore. Ask yourself: are you truly happy? Or does the happiness of those appeased by your actions bring you a semblance of joy instead? Live life for yourself only, my dude. And be sure that when you twerk to “INDUSTRY BABY,” it comes from the heart.
Overall, I’m proud of you! Half of 2021 was spent in the dark solitude of an unclean bedroom, so we can excuse some of your wack statistics this time around. You’re not off the hook, though. Next year will (hopefully) hold no excuses, and I plan on staying alive long enough to roast you once again. In all seriousness, whatever artist you listened to, if music helped you find some comfort through the era of Zoom, then you get a pass for listening to the most cringe sounds that humanity could ever come up with. And, if Spec Humor brought you even one hollow laugh when we were roasting every fiber of your being, then it has been a true honor. See you next year, and Merry Christmas.