So You Want “W Rizz”

Pick up maidens or hand in your letter of rizzignation.

Reading Time: 2 minutes

SZA boldly proclaimed, “It’s cuffing season.” And SZA was right. So what are YOU doing, reading this ancient newspaper in 2023 when you could be out there, rizzing up the maidens? Take it from me, your number one rizzlord, who’s absolutely overflowing with Discord kittens! Approaching women is not difficult at all. Stop sweating at the sight of them and start collecting romantic Ws with this patented process!

First, you’re going to look the look. No maiden is going to want a basic, dripless hooligan! The key to rizztastic drip is to make sure it’s UNIQUE. If someone else in the room looks similar, you’ve already failed. So make sure you…

Wear the most EXTRAVAGANT colors you can find. I’m talking neons, that one shade of green no one wants to think about, and the tan suit that they canceled Obama for. Even if no one in their right mind would don it, you will. Call it a rizzurection of shunned colors.

Layer, layer, layer! As Shrek once said, ogres have layers, and he clearly rizzed up Fiona, warts and all! Yes, you SHOULD wear that sports jacket over that dress shirt. She’ll drool over the jock-academic combo.

Confuse, baffle, and disorient with your fashion sense. She won’t be able to take her eyes off of you.

Second, it’s time to talk the talk by NOT talking. Seriously, if you need to converse with a woman to get to know her, you’ve already failed. REAL unspoken rizz comes from observing and taking notes like an alpha male. So you’re going to walk into the room, stop, and stare her down. Because you’ve already gained confidence from your undeniable drip (e.g. a Pikachu onesie) from step one, all you need is to chat this maiden up.

FALSE. Trap. NEVER speak. Your rizz is only good if it’s UNSPOKEN. Feel the power of your drip and mind control. Then, your nuclear rizzdiation will be unlocked, and she won’t be able to rizzist you on a subconscious level. Bam. You have secured a connection through silence. Does this sound difficult, confusing, or impossible? Then you’re just not ready. Fix your drip, or fix your attitude, and then try again.

Third, make her stay for all of rizzternity. You’ve nearly got the maiden. You’re so close. But don’t be fooled. You are not done. A true rizz master knows to keep up the good work even in the digital realm. After securing her number (which, once again, you shouldn’t have to ask her for because your rizziation has already picked that up), send the most profound gesture of love imaginable with GamePigeon. Pool, chess, or even Word Hunt (if you’re feeling freaky) work well. Being able to play together clearly indicates that you are ready for the highs and lows of high school footba—relationships. I meant relationships. With all the challenges and wondrous memories you two will create, GamePigeon is the perfect means to bond for good.

Additionally, use the lip bite emoji often and with gumption. Combine it with the weary emoji for a special effect. If you’re feeling poetic, send a message composed entirely of emojis. She’ll get it.

There you have it, future rizzlord. If you follow this advice , you’ll obtaina maiden in no time. But the most important part is believing in yourself and being confident! You can do it, besties, because everyone is worthy of a little bit of love. Valentine’s Day is only 25 days away. Make them COUNT.