Short Kings of Stuyvesant (Not Me Though, Y’all Stay Safe)

Issue 7, Volume 113

By Aniket Roy, Alexander Chu 

The complaints that Stuyvesant High School receives about the lack of diversity and the oppression of minorities have some basis. Of the many marginalized groups in Stuyvesant, there exists a group that deals with the cruel indifference of the universe on the daily: the vertically challenged people of Stuyvesant High School. They go by many names: Itty Bitties, Smurfs, Powerpuff Girls, Munchkins, Kittens, Short Kings, and Baby Dolls. To offer respect to this already oppressed group, we will refer to them as the Kittens.

If you’re someone that is capable of reaching the top shelf, you may be asking yourself: “How are Kittens oppressed at Stuyvesant?” To help answer this question, we interviewed representatives of the Kittens League in Stuyvesant to help explain.

Shafwan Ahmed—President of the Kittens

We sat down with Shafwan Ahmed and listened to what he had to say about oppression against our short kings in Stuyvesant.

"It’s just not the same, you know. I’m one of the hottest guys in Stuyvesant, and I still don’t have a girlfriend. It’s clearly because I’m short. What other reason could there be for me to still be single? Man, I’m built. I got them eight packs, five-inch biceps, six-inch quads; it makes up for all the other inches I’m lacking,” Ahmed bluntly explained.

We quickly followed up with a question. “By ‘inches lacking,’ are you referring to any other areas besides your height?”

“Just height. Nothing else.”

Ahmed’s response and final statement was: “Don't spread false information.”

Ahmed also told us about a moment in his life when he made an attempt to talk to a girl in his English class, and all he could muster out was the word “pretty.” The victim in this discussion was traumatized and had to receive severe therapy.

Ahmed gave us some great insight into how Kittens have a lower chance of finding a significant other simply because they do not conform to societal norms. However, perhaps in Ahmed’s case, the reason his love life is not as developed as others may just be due to the fact that his social skills are also terrible.

Ethiel Rhan—Vice President of the Kittens

Contrary to Ahmed’s opinions, Ethiel Rhan talked a great deal about the perks of being a Kitten.

“You know, a lot of people say that being a Kitten is bad, but it’s not all that terrible. Look at me. I’m living life. Being short allows me to sometimes pretend like I’m someone way younger. Take my current girlfriend. She’s a freshman, and she thinks I’m a freshman too, though I’m really a senior!”

It’s safe to say that Rhan is not only a Kitten but also a freshie-hunter. Rhan also talked greatly about how he has e-girls as well. His e-girls are under the impression that he is 6’1” and an Olympic weight-lifter. In truth, Rhan confessed that he could barely bench 20 pounds.

“Being short is a sin.” —Sun Tzu

The above quote is best exemplified here at Stuyvesant, with the lack of maidens among the below 5’6” male populace definitely placed next to the lack of your good Night Markets. Sadly, for all the short kings out there, there is no known solution to growing any taller in order to push past that “average” height so that your crush will notice you. And unfortunately, that leaves the Kittens as the most maidenless and depressing marginalized group at Stuyvesant.