She’s Everything. He’s Just in Her Cult of Personality.
Issue 14, Volume 113
By Eshaal Ubaid
I am a Barbie girl.
You are a Barbie girl. We are all, collectively, Barbie girls. If there’s anything that Greta Gerwig has been teaching us with her bombshell film adaptation of the iconic doll, it’s that we should all aspire to be as glitzy, thoughtless, and charismatic as Barbara Millicent Roberts! Submit to her! Your life would be so much better if you simply unlocked the Barbie energy lost within you, as I have unlocked my own. After all, what are you doing with your life? Wearing LAST SEASON’S clothing? Studying for ONE career only? NOT going to the beach? What color is your Bugatti? I bet it isn’t pink.
All Barbie wants from YOU in exchange for this perfect lifestyle is to follow some simple steps. She can then assure in an authoritarian fashion that she remains the ONE and ONLY trendsetter, the icon, and most importantly, the ONE plastic ideal that everyone loves, DOMINATING the world with her ETHEREAL presence for eternity under the shadow of the Mattel universe.
She’ll also offer a complementary pair of heels for your service!
The Barbie life is simple, though atrociously difficult to follow. However, by willingly joining this cult *ahem* and becoming an inspiring Barbie yourself, you will be able to live a safer and more satisfying life under the watchful eye of the Barbieverse. Ken got there. So will you.
First, you must abandon all thought. All of it. It shouldn’t be that hard, given your last SAT score. You don’t need those critical thinking skills that you’re being brainwashed into developing. What do you gain from questioning the universe? Simply accept all that is given to you, under the presumption that no one will ever try to hurt you. That way, the voice of Barbie can finally make its way into your pretty little head. She’s actually reminding me right now to write that donation check to Mattel that I’ll be sending completely willingly! You mustn’t be chained by ideas, because ideas breed conflict. We aren’t Bratz dolls, people.
Second: pink. Everything. FUSCHIA, ROSE, SHOCKING GLITTERY GOODNESS. You must surround yourself with pink to find yourself in a place of enlightenment, to unlock all of your Barbie goodness. Your clothes, toothbrush, and Chrome browser must all be shrouded in the objectively best color of all time. Now, I can hear your worries: how will we survive in just one hue? Well, you’ve got options! Dust pink and hot pink are pink all the same. Furthermore, Lord Barbie is merciful. She will allow some white, purple, and sparingly, even baby blue, so long as you style it, hottie! Just never wear green. She will find you if you do. I never did see some of my friends again after St. Patrick’s Day…
Third, find your Ken! Now, Barbie understands that not everyone is looking for love and that not everyone can rizz up a hunk like she did. She won’t demand the impossible. Just pick a friend (after indoctrinating them through steps one and two), a pet, or heck, a dearly beloved rock to be your sidekick for life. Some of you may find yourself becoming a Ken instead of a Barbie. That is perfectly okay! Do not be ashamed that you’re inferior to Barbie in all aspects of your life. It’s a worthy role in the plastic hierarchy that you can adorn in even more thoughtless behavior, tourist shirts, and flip flops. Your primary purpose in Malibu is to support your Barbie unconditionally, ignoring the shell of your old personality’s screaming protests. The real premise of Barbie is to make friends along the way!
Now, these are just the basics that you will need to fulfill your Dreamhouse dreams! Just always remember that Barbie is out there, waiting for you to embrace her rulership, so that you may live a better life by her example. Have a gorg-tastic day! She’ll be waiting.