Sheiny New Toys

Do you find yourself consumed by a feeling of ennui lately? While some might suggest seeking help from a therapist, we at The Spectator have a different solution in mind. All the happiest moments in our lives—birthdays, Christmas, and Black Friday—have one thing in common: they give us a perfect excuse to fill the hollow voids in our souls by buying everything we could ever need, want, or imagine in a fever dream of mindless consumerism. Who needs “fulfillment” when you can fill the spiritual abyss with a levitating Bluetooth speaker?

While the next government-sanctioned shopping spree will not happen for a while, March 26 marks “National Make Up Your Own Holiday Day,” providing many more excuses to spend money and stay one step ahead of looming despair. Out of the kindness of their hearts, our sponsors have provided a few holiday suggestions for you!

Shein, a clothing brand whose popularity has lasted much longer than its clothing, has proposed National Closet Cleanout Day. Everyone knows that wearing the same outfit twice is a major fashion faux pas, so take this holiday as a chance to completely replace your wardrobe with Shein’s extensive collection of clothes, crafted by the tiny hands of child laborers! And as an added bonus, CEO Chris Xu promises their latest technology will eliminate the possibility of repeating outfits. As he puts it, “Our clothes will disintegrate after the second wash, so you can keep up with the latest trends effortlessly!”

But as a Stuy student, you want more than just cute clothes. Academic validation is your greatest desire, and that is exactly what College Board’s recent announcement of National Standardized Testing Day provides. On this day, they are offering a $1 coupon off AP test fees to students across the country. In addition, the College Board will be releasing several new AP tests, following up the release of AP Precalculus with unconventional subjects such as AP Phrenology, AP Macaroni Art, and AP Show-and-Tell. When asked if these new tests would help students’ college readiness, David Coleman, CEO of the “non-profit” College Board, put down his gold-leaf origami and laughed. “Oh, you are actually serious—well, it will help put my kids through college, if that counts.”

Whether you are in the market for a whole new wardrobe or are seeking the rush of three hours of standardized testing, we hope this list has been helpful—even if it just serves to lighten your wallet.