Seung Yu 2024

Issue 7, Volume 113

By Eshaal Ubaid 

Cover Image

The ice caps are melting. The children are becoming sticky iPad kids. Freshmen wear their gym clothes like haute couture. The ECONOMY is FAILING. As 2024 approaches, we gotta ask: what are our leaders doing about it?

What America needs right now is someone with an eye for leadership. All this talk over Republicans this and Democrats that is distracting us from this very issue! More importantly, it’s keeping us from seeing the objectively correct candidate for presidency: Principal Yu.

C’mon, the man teaches a LEADERSHIP class. At any rate, he’ll handle any concerns you have. And, as the spokesperson he never asked for but certainly will get anyway, I will now answer questions on his behalf.

But, dear amazing fabulous Spectator writer: how could someone in education handle politics?

Well, Stuyvesant is a society, is it not? We’ve got class divisions (senior bar dwellers vs. the freshies who yearn to occupy them), institutionalized rules (never follow a strange noise in the Hudson stairwell), and even state-of-the-art defense systems (the scanner ladies) against invading nations (Brooklyn Tech). And then, there’s the jolly man on top of it all: Seung Yu. The man of the hour. The Yu of the Crew. Cool dude. He’s got this.

Hey! Showstopping author! What does Yu stand for?

Well, Yu stands for YOU! And perfect puns like that one. But overall, Principa—I mean, almost-President Seung Yu’s main priority is you. Everybody, whether they are reading this or not, shall be represented under his reign!

…Uh, reign? Like, a king? Isn’t this a democracy?

Hold on there! Of COURSE this is a democracy! One that Seung Yu would be great at leading with his representative policies and general tendency toward peaceful diplomacy. On top of that, he plans on expanding the right to vote to younger children—infants, even—to truly grasp all the needs of the population. Parents, buckle up, because your baby’s picking the next governor! He is looking forward to using his newfound power to suppres—support. I mean, support people’s rights.

Yoohoo, you truly glitterific commentator, how would Principal Yu help us out with gas prices?

…Why are you driving in New York? Take the subway like the rest of us, you elitist tyrant.

Wait, back to democracy. How will Yu address polarization in politics today?

Well, you see, America is like one of those left-right Twix bar campaigns: You’ve got a dedicated fanbase on both sides, each insisting that only their way is correct, and we’re only ever happy when we’re eating the other side alive. This cannot stand! Communication and compromise are key to following the steps of the Romans. Yeesh. But, just like those Twix bars, it doesn’t matter what side is written on the label. It’s all the same chocolate.

…So, naturally, Yu’s plan is to gently brib—encourage. Encourage people into peace with chocolate. Specifically, the sponsor of this campaign, Twix candy bars, for when you need a moment.™

Seeing that he works in education, what will Yu do about student deb—

WELL, THAT’S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE! I’d love to answer this, you know. I really, truly would. I just hesitate for time, and not because there is no cure for Broke Student Syndrome in our capitalist society.

Vote Yu 2024—he’ll make YU proud. :)