Secret Story of the K-Pop Revolution

K-pop’s elaborate, frightening plan to take over Stuyvesant, all revealed in Stuy Confessions.

Reading Time: 3 minutes

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By Jessica Mui

Stuy Confessions #134340

When you think of clubs, what’s the first thing that comes to mind? Probably some relaxing, smiling kids in a classroom, nice adjectives, and fun moments to de-stress. Yeah yeah, that's what they all say. But what if I said there was something darker lurking beneath the facade of it all? Something so dark and disturbing that it could literally cause the entire student body to go “boom!” and self-destruct?

Nah, I’m joking, but it's not cap when I say that it will shake the entire Stuyvesant community to the core. Did you know that the seemingly innocent dance crews and K-pop clubs use the Clubs & Pubs Fair to try to brainwash and get everyone on their side?

Yep, you heard that right. All that fame and attention they got during the Clubs & Pubs Fair was thoroughly planned to try to make their evil plan blossom to the fullest.

You might be wondering, how can you trust me? Well, simply put, you can’t, but if I disclose my name, it is likely that I will be subject to performing horribly cringy aegyo in front of the entire student body, and you’ll never hear from me again (I’ll be hiding somewhere under a rock nursing my terribly intense embarrassment). I strongly advise you to take this all seriously because this is most definitely real.

Now, onto their plan.

First, the purpose of those speakers wasn’t just to bombard the ears of all the students on the fourth floor with the blaringly loud K-pop beats. If you thought they were just another colloquial sound device, you couldn’t be further from the truth. Those speakers were actually transmitting radio waves infested by microscopic parasites that shimmied their way into the brains of unsuspecting bystanders that formed a very, very crowded circle around the dancers. These parasites would then undergo mitosis in the cerebellum, resulting in increased balance, muscle synchronization, and proficiency in the Korean language (somehow). Infected victims became more inclined to sign up for the club (or at least cheer obnoxiously within the crowd). Though the effectiveness of these parasites has a strong correlation with the refinement of musical taste, the speaker procedure was executed with a surprisingly high conversion rate.

Moving on, the motive of the dance choreographies isn’t as clean as the dance moves are. The seemingly innocent choreos made for each dance crew were specially prepared arm wiggles, step movements, and body rolls meant to hypnotize all those that were watching. It’s actually been scientifically proven that certain motions will cause people to lose all sense of their rationality and mindlessly boggle.

After gaining sufficient members and supporters, the K-pop club faces one final obstacle before they can execute a large-scale syndicate of the entire school. They must control the most powerful figure in Stuyvesant: Principal Yu. Eyewitnesses already caught him filming a dance performance during the fair. I also personally saw a piece of paper on his desk (I “accidentally” snuck into his office) illustrating his plan to pose as a student and attend all of the club meetings after school in the upcoming weeks. By then, he will already be a puppet emperor and K-pop shogunate. A totalitarian regime will be instated within Stuyvesant. “Standard K-pop Moves” will be a mandatory unit in every department’s curriculum; the plan will come to fruition.

If you have not already deduced this, I myself am an ex-member of Stuy K-pop. Only recently did I open my eyes to the reality of the situation. So now I urge you, my readers, time is of the essence. No matter the consequences, it is my moral obligation to share this story before Stuyvesant falls. Even if you never end up hearing from me again.

I wish you all good luck in overcoming this. As for me, I’m graduating soon, so this no longer concerns me~

(senior, cat)