Scientists Discover Caffeinitis

Every year at the start of September, a horde of zombies begins the daily trek down Chambers Street. Though it is quite easy to confuse these creatures with the walkers from “The Walking Dead” (2012-2017), they’re actually Stuyvesant students suffering from a serious and infectious affliction known as Caffeinitis.

In an attempt to counteract the epidemic, the administration has released an official notice describing Caffeinitis in full. The school also has plans to install a detector to scan a student’s breath for any traces of pumpkin spice.

“We can’t give the New York Post another headline about Stuyvesant being full of rising addicts,” principal Eric Contreras said.

Caffeinitis: A Breakdown

Common causes of Caffeinitis include:

* Watching goats screaming parodies of Taylor Swift songs until 4:00 a.m., despite having four tests, five presentations, and a college interview to prepare for

* Double Star Challenges

Typically, a diagnosis of Caffeinitis is given if the victim does three or more of the following:

* Compares fluid ounces to hours of sleep —e.g., 16 fluid ounces becomes 8 hours of “sleep”

* Has different quotas for different stores —e.g., requiring oneself to buy at least 3.1415926 lattes from Starbucks and 10.9999 from Pret

* Uses up a cafe’s supply of buy 10, get one free cards

* Eats a breakfast of boiled water mixed with a bottle of caffeine pills

Caffeinitis sufferers often experience the following complications:

* Getting every question wrong on a test because of “bubbling accidents”

* Buying another latte because “it’s just one more cup”

* Seeing voices and hearing colors

* Stomping, hopping, and skipping around the school