SAT Disaster

Last Wednesday, many Stuyvesant juniors took the SAT, suffering in silence for three hours. Though individual students have yet to receive their scores, Principal Yu was sent a summary of schoolwide results, and the scores were astonishing: the school had an average score of 900, which is 600 points lower than the typical Stuyvesant SAT average (a statistic Principal Yu has framed in his bathroom). Principal Yu, shocked, decided to get to the bottom of the issue. He ordered a copy of the test and began to look it over. It wasn’t long before he spotted the problem.

The SAT was unlike any other. All of the questions were specific to Stuyvesant, and they were oddly specific. In case the SAT continues in this fashion, the Humor Department has kindly compiled a list of practice questions with answers and explanations. Hopefully, you’ll find them helpful!

QUESTION 1: In order for a day to be a full day of school, you must…

1. Go to school for 6 hours
2. Attend 6 classes
3. Learn something of value
4. Sit in a classroom and chat with friends for 40 minutes after the juniors finish the SAT

ANSWER: (d). As we all know, public schools are constantly making use of loopholes! NYC schools have to be open for 180 days of school every year, but what is a “day,” really? Turns out it’s no longer than 40 minutes.

QUESTION 2: The role of school bells is to…

1. Announce the start of class
2. Announce the end of class
3. Announce the start and end of class
4. Disrupt class by ringing randomly throughout the day

ANSWER: (d). It’s been a long time since the Stuyvesant bells rang when they were supposed to—so long that it almost seems intentional. Maybe Mr. Moran decided to torture the student body by dangling the hope of sweet release in front of them. One day, the bell will start to ring, and it just won’t stop…

QUESTION 3: Which of the following is an example of freshie behavior?

1. Managing time well
2. Effectively balancing school and extracurriculars
3. Sleeping for 10 hours every day
4. Wearing gym clothes outside of gym

ANSWER: (d). Freshmen have a variety of bad habits, and wearing their gym clothes outside of P.E. is one of them. Seriously, change out of your gym clothes, kids.

QUESTION 4: How many students can fit on the Tribeca Bridge?

1. Zero
2. Five
3. Ten
4. Infinity

ANSWER: (d). As any Stuyvesant student can attest, there is no limit to the number of students who can force their way onto the bridge. Therefore, the answer must be infinity.

QUESTION 5: At 6:50 a.m., a downtown 2 train leaves 135 Street, a C train leaves Grant Avenue, and an A train leaves Franklin Avenue. Which will reach Chambers Street first?

1. The 2 train, because it’s express
2. The A train, because it’s express
3. The C train, because it has fewer stops to travel
4. It’s impossible to tell, because the NYC subway system is consistently unreliable

ANSWER: (d). Express trains only go faster if they run express, and they have a habit of switching to the local track. Trains only get where they need to if they move from station to station, and they love to stop for no particular reason. It’s impossible to know whether your train will arrive at Chambers Street in 10 minutes or 10 years, so you better cross your fingers and hope it’s sooner rather than later!

I am certain that these practice questions will go a long way toward helping Stuyvesant students ace their SATs. Of course, they could also just choose (d) every time (that’s how I got a cool 780)!