Rising Gas Prices Leave Millions of Americans Dehydrated

Nothing’s more American than loving gasoline.

Reading Time: 1 minute

Due to Putin’s actions in Ukraine, gas prices have gone up to almost $5 per gallon in some parts of the country. This has left millions of innocent Americans across the nation unable to find a delicious, thirst-quenching drink for a reasonable price.

Many fear that the days when you could pop down to the local gas station and experience an all-American tradition are over. “Y’know, some people question how us locals can drink this stuff,” says long-time American Johnnycake Breadandbutter. “It’s an acquired taste, but you get used to having a wavy apartment.”

Supreme Gas Price Commander Joe Biden addressed the country on Thursday, saying that this gas shortage may actually be a good thing as we begin relying on healthier alternatives, such as natural gas. However, critics of this viewpoint, such as Economist Jackandthe Beanstalk, have brought up several concerns. “Not everyone can pop down to their local Whole Foods and find organic, non-GMO products like natural gas,” explained Beanstalk. “Plus, while many people have questioned the health effects of drinking gasoline, there’s no need to worry. Lead was removed from gasoline in ‘96, so it’s perfectly safe.”

Aside from the soft drink industry, many other American industries have been disrupted by this gas shortage. Examples include the napalm industry, the flamethrower industry, the arson industry, the crime-scene-evidence-destroying industry, and the cross-burning industry. Oh, and something about cars, too, I think. All because of the actions of one selfish man, millions of innocent war criminals, regular criminals, and racists (people who race cars) must suffer.

“Honestly, I would be willing to go to war for more oil. Too bad that’ll never happen—our presidents are too busy waging wars over minor things like ‘terrorism,’” commented local man Jackhammer Brusselsprouts. “The increased prices have been, without a doubt, the most devastating result of the war. I really can’t think of anything worse that’s come out of it. God, I love gas so much.”