Rejected SING! Applications

Not everyone can be a star.

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By Rajhasree Paul

It’s SING! season again! For the people who have decided to participate in this Stuyvesant tradition, February is a month of exhaustion. And for everyone else, it’s also exhausting, but they have other less important excuses for staying up until 2:00 a.m. every night. Still, it’s important to remember that not everyone who wanted to participate in SING! was accepted, no matter how qUaLiFied they may appear to be. In some cases, it really was “based on many factors” and because of “a large pool of talented applicants” (too soon, seniors?). In other cases, however, there were some people whose applications were just… too unique.

Compiled below are some of those applications. Names have been removed to protect their anonymity.

I know that I’d be great for Junior SING!’s cast because I’m a VERY qualified actor. I’m actually in the middle of acting for three different teen television shows and am also working on a commercial, so I’ll probably only be able to show up to one or two rehearsals because, you know, priorities. I’m also not sure if I’ll be able to participate in any of the performance dates because my time is in such high demand. Still, I should clearly have the lead role because I actually know what I’m doing, unlike the other plebs applying to SING!. I bet that I could out-act everyone else who’s applying, but because of my humility, I will do my best to not intimidate other cast members with my skills. I’m sure that they would learn a great deal from standing off to the side and watching me shine like the star that I am.

If I were accepted into Soph-Frosh SING!’s Art Crew, I would bring my unique artistic style with me. I’m a self-proclaimed abstract artist, and I’d love to see my work, which derives major elements from Pollock and Dalí, on stage. In general, I think this would be a great direction to take the Wonderland theme in because I believe the fantastical world of Wonderland would best be represented through incredibly confusing and splattery paintings that serve as metaphors for Alice’s winding journey through Wonderland. This is something I will not compromise on: I refuse to limit my artistic expression to the bland world of “realistic” set painting, and I hope that this makes sense to you.

There is no reason not to accept me to Senior SING!’s makeup crew! I have an extensive body of experience with clown makeup, and since Hollywood is FULL of actors playing clowns, I believe that my knowledge will allow me to be incredibly useful to the makeup crew. I mean, who could forget the iconic Frowny the Clown played by popular actor Eli Roth? I don’t do scary clowns, though, so I can’t actually make someone look like Pennywise. Still, if you want to put an inside joke about the famous Shakes the Clown into this year’s SING!, you can honk on my door! Get it? Get it?

It is vital that I am accepted into Junior SING! band, for you see, I am an absolute MASTER at the triangle. I have mastered all the triangle tricks. I can even do the Pythagorean, which is best described as hitting each side of the triangle about twice—honestly though, it’s pretty hard to keep count. My triangle skills are revolutionary, which is great for Junior SING!’s theme. A little warning for the songwriters though: I demand a solo song for my triangle skills to SHINE. I’m thinking about performing a version of the Star-Spangled Banner but without those pesky “lyrics” and “strings” or whatever, so I can truly shine.

I believe that I am perfectly fit to be part of Soph-Frosh SING! chorus. My voice is angelic. When I tried out for chorus during Camp Stuy, Ms. Liliya Shamazov just stared at me and said, “Well, your voice has… something. Try again in about 10 years?” Let’s be real: we both know she just didn’t want the Oratorio kids to feel bad about themselves. I’m so good that whenever I sing on my way to school, people are so ashamed of their voices that they cover their ears and run away from me. Honestly, there’s no need for me to audition: just tell me when the performances are, and I’ll meet you there!

I’m gonna be real with you chief, I don’t know which department this is. Like, I’m a senior, so I’m gonna assume that this is Senior SING!, but beyond that, I don’t know anything. All I know is that I wanna go to the SING! afterparty at least once during my school life here. Freshman year I wanted to go, but when I asked Moran how to get in, he just called my mom. Sophomore year I was too busy with work (this was when I still cared about this school), and junior year I couldn’t go because I got so bored during Soph-Frosh SING! that I slept until Tuesday. I need to go at least once. Please let me be in this department. Thx.