Principal Yu Reads The Spectator
Reading Time: 3 minutes
At 6:30 a.m. sharp, Principal Yu enters a deserted Stuyvesant High School. He always makes sure to arrive early so that he can spend an hour practicing saying “good morning” to students as they walk into the building. Normally he’s the first person there, but today he is greeted by a lone Spectator editor who had stayed overnight to finish this week’s paper (only three people actually wrote their articles). Yu greets the sleep-deprived student and eagerly takes a copy from the pile.
As soon as the student is out of sight, the principal begins to throw the newspaper into the trash, like he usually does, but this time something catches his attention: a Newsbeat on the front page that reads “Spec Humor Members Want Yu to Join Them.”
“What the [REDACTED]?” Yu mutters as he begins to flip to the Humor section, where he finds his name in an article titled “Principal Yu: Stuy’s #1 BTS Fan.”
“I don’t even like K-pop!” he exclaims bashfully. He reaches into the trash can, which is specifically dedicated to Spectator copies, and digs out old papers. He frantically flips through the Humor sections, his face filling with horror as he finds his name on every page.
“Principal Yu Eats His Pizza With a Fork”
“Principal Yu’s Search History”
“Why Principal Yu is the Ideal Husband”
“Principal Yu: Secretly a Furry?!”
“Principal Yu x Y/N Fanfiction”
“Principal Yu REALLY likes BTS”
In a fit of rage, he rips up the papers, scatters their remains on his office floor, and stomps on them to rid them of their filth. Fuming, he sits down and clears his after-school schedule.
At 3:45 p.m. that day, The Spectator Humor department holds a meeting to brainstorm and, of course, honor their almighty lord and savior Principal Yu. As per usual, the classroom is set up with a huge candlelit shrine containing framed pictures and fanart of the principal, with “Dynamite” by BTS playing softly in the background.
“Greetings, children,” announces Humor Editor Bert, accompanied by his co-Editor Ernie. “Before we begin our brainstorming session, we must take a moment to honor our supreme overlord and creative muse, Seung Yu. Let us bow down to him so that he may bless us with more article ideas.”
“But first, we must provide him with an offering,” adds Ernie. He places in front of the shrine a Dunkin’ Donuts bag containing a half-eaten chocolate donut. But before the students can complete their ritual, the door slams open and Principal Yu appears. The children look up in shock; they’ve never actually seen their deity in person before, and the very sight of his beauty brings them to tears.
“Oh, divine ruler, what a pleasure it is to see you in the flesh!” says Bert. “Tell us, what is it that you desire?”
Unamused, Principal Yu holds up the BTS article. “Explain this.”
“An article inspired by you, your highness,” explains Ernie. “We hope you enjoyed it!”
“Enjoyed it?” He crumples the paper in his hand. “Just like I enjoyed your fanfictions, and your theories, and your false accusations? And don’t even get me started on the BTS jokes—you should know the only band I listen to is Radiohead!”
“We apologize for any sorrow we have caused, Your Majesty. Would you like us to start writing articles about Radiohead?” Bert interjects.
“Students, this is absolutely unacceptable. I am your principal, and this is a pre-professional, nay, PROFESSIONAL environment, but you guys are treating me like some sort of joke—and not even a funny joke, because your articles are garbage! I’m sorry, but if this continues, I think I’m going to have to remove the Humor department.”
The students cry out in protest. “We will stop writing articles in your name, sir, if that’s what you wish. Just please don’t erase our humble department!”
“Thank you,” Principal Yu sighs. “Also, could you take down this… shrine thing? It's kind of weird.”
“Of course, Your Majesty,” says Ernie. The students bow down to the principal as he awkwardly exits the room.
Two weeks later, Principal Yu picks up a copy of The Spectator and flips to the Humor section. He smiles as he reads the title “Brian Moran Confesses His Love for BTS.”