Pre-Production Disney Film Has Already Grossed $380 Million

The nonexistent film has swept the nation.

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By Justine Kang

Last Friday, Disney CEO Bob Chapek announced that he had dreamed about Disney’s upcoming animated film at a press conference. Chapek proceeded to elaborate that the hypothetical movie stars a brave, quick-witted, and independent but sheltered young princess. She goes on a journey in order to save her family and learn valuable lessons along the way with a man whom she is initially at odds with but gains respect for over time and a wacky non-human sidekick. The movie should be released sometime in the near to distant future.

On the day of the announcement, $380 million in ticket sales were made, with grumpy parents and people far outside of the intended age demographic of the movie paying the majority of revenue earned. The film is expected to gross even more following its international non-release.

However, while the imaginary movie pulled in an impressive amount for its opening weekend, the toy sales made six times as much, with hypothetical plushies of the marketable wacky but loyal animal sidekick selling out all over the United States. Parents aren’t sure what species of animal the character is, but many find themselves being able to recite all of the jokes it makes due to their children perpetually watching the nonexistent movie on Disney+.

The movie was not-released to near universal praise, with critics lauding its hypothetical music, hypothetically stunning CGI, and presumably family-friendly themes. Movie critic Judgment Bumbersnatch stated that the movie was “probably highly heartwarming, with catchy Polish-inspired tunes and a fantastic dynamic between the characters […] likely a must-watch for the family.” Spectator columnist Junior Beyblade stated, “As a Zambian-American, it was an extremely satisfying experience to probably see my culture being represented properly.”

While the race of the main character and the basis of the setting were not specified by Chapek, almost everyone agrees that it is extremely empowering for the constituents of the culture portrayed within the movie.

As the movie becomes more popular, its outreach within pop culture has extended considerably. On platforms such as YouTube, videos of the main character of the movie getting married to a pregnant Spider-Man have been trending for the past week. Parody videos have also been extremely successful. School talent shows primarily consist of children singing one of three songs that sound like they will be in the movie, with occasional off-tune fiddle, saxophone, and electric guitar accompaniment.

A sequel to the unreleased movie was green-lit and scheduled to release on the same day as the first movie, with 32 animators hypothetically dying to finish the movie by its release date. However, while the sequel’s ticket sales were just as good as its predecessor, the reception was mixed, with critics calling it a mediocre cash grab that did not tread new ground. Despite its relatively poor reviews, the sequel still made enough money to warrant a second sequel, as soon as Chapek can find more theoretical animators to work to death.