Oh, What a Relief It Is!

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Issue 5, Volume 112

By Krista Proteasa 

By the time you’re reading this, I will have clicked the submit buttons for all of my early college applications. What an exciting feat, right? I know, and now I’m making you read all about it.

Before I get into the good stuff, let us take a step back. The sheer grandeur of this country’s college selection can be overwhelming. How could I ever choose? Well, I applied to all of them! Yes, I applied to every single institution in the United States of America. “Oh, but Krista! That’s not possible!” You have a point. However, you don’t know me.

I started these applications when I was in second grade and went through a steady 19 applications per day. Light work, truly. I had such good intuition in my youth that I was able to perfectly predict every course and extracurricular I would take throughout my high school career. All I need now is a crystal ball to make a fortune.

Nevertheless, you came here to learn how it feels to finally be done with every last application, right? Maybe you’re a somewhat intrigued freshman, a curious sophomore, a worried junior, or a frayed senior. Whatever the reason, listen here because now we’re going to take a journey into the depths of my brain. Watch your step, wear your seatbelt, eat your vegetables, and don’t talk to strangers.

Imagine that you just put nine down payments on a house. No, wrong example.

Imagine that you just beat your BFF in a game of rock-paper-scissors at recess. Rats, wrong example again. Sorry.

Imagine that you just took four tests in one day because the subtle overlap in the testing schedule really did your doubling up dirty. There we go.

You’re heaving as you make your way to your locker after your school day is finally complete. The trek is so excruciating that you can barely keep your knees functioning and your eyes focused on the step ahead of you. You take your jacket out of your locker, somehow make your way down the bridge with minimal loss of consciousness, and board the train, bus, or flying skateboard to get home.

You finally make it to your humble abode and only have enough energy to stumble to your bed and simply flop. Now take that floppy feeling and multiply it by a quadrillion. Your organs simply dematerialize and your brain crumbles like the cookies you baked for minutes a week ago. Your arms and legs don’t even know where to go or what to do, but you don’t care. The subtle cradle of your mattress envelopes your unimaginably exhausted brain and you just exist. No thoughts, head empty.

Now that you’ve multiplied the floppy feeling, relish it. However, scrap it almost immediately because you’ve now awoken in a cold sweat when you weren’t even asleep. You might be tempted to ponder all the outcomes of your decisions. For your sanity, please resist the urge.

That brings us to the end of today’s segment of “What Emotions Can You Encounter Today?” Thank you for coming to my TED Talk. Stay spunky and keep your chin up. And if you’re not a senior, don’t worry, your time will come soon enough.