New York City Mayoral Candidates - Where Are They Now?

It’s been a couple of weeks since the Mayoral election, and a lot of people are wondering: what are our beloved former candidates up to? Well, here’s what we’ve learned through our thorough investigation:

Eric Adams 

First off, we have our universally loved mayor, Eric Adams. As mayor, Adams is naturally helping guide our city through these trying times from his perch in Turkey-Albania-Uzbekistan-Narnia-Israel. Given his truly outstanding job as mayor, lately, he’s been looking for other jobs that can fulfill his love for public service and the city, such as being the ambassador to Albania, a tech bro, and Rat King. Due entirely to his popularity among New Yorkers, many have been calling for Adams to return to the city and save us from the current terrible New York government, but he wisely sees that the best way to help New Yorkers at home is by courting billionaires abroad (for the good of New York, of course). We wish him luck!

Zohran Mamdani

As the winner of the election and soon-to-be mayor, Zornan has been spending the past couple of weeks planning for his ascension to power. Our young democratic socialist comrade has big plans for the city and is willing to cooperate with Albany to do so. But let’s put that all to the side for now, and ask the question that’s on everybody’s minds: Does he have enough experience? Sure, Mandami served a few terms as an assembly member and passed some laws, but when you compare that to the likes of Cuomo, whose father did tons of stuff, and Adams, who created the ever-important Rat Czar and Nightlife Department, is that really enough? While the startlingly young Zarman Malawi has put forth multiple policies and plans, and may be refining them as we speak, we want to remind our dear readers that the single most important thing to know about Momdawny is the fact that he is woefully inexperienced. If anything is to be said about what he is doing, it is that he should actually be taking too many online video courses on Being A Leader 101.

Andrew Cuomo

And now we arrive at our favorite self-made politician, Mario Cuomo’s son. For a while, he was thought of as a clear frontrunner and favorite to win the race, but all that changed when upstart Zaron Mardadi won the Democratic Primary in a landslide. However, Cuomo bravely stayed in the running, and though he eventually lost by a hair, he maintains that this was no fault of his and was entirely due to Curtis Sliwa’s devious trick of splitting the vote. But like the tenacious man he is, he has spent every day since the election making increasingly shady deals and getting ever richer, all in the name of New York City, of course. He works non-stop, 24/7, to make New York City a better place for all people (billionaires) to live in, like the charitable man his father was, and that he totally is. 

Curtis Sliwa

Finally, we have Curtis Sliwa, the surprisingly popular Republican candidate, whom we in fact managed to secure an exclusive interview with. Here are some excerpts from the interview, recorded in the middle of a gunfight at Rocky’s Pizzeria in Brooklyn:

Interviewer: So, Mr. Sliwa, what have you been doing ever since the election?

Curtis Sliwa: Well, as a down-to-earth guy, I thought I’d take a break from all that campaigning and do what I love best: get shot at by various mafias and crime groups. In fact, I’m working on it as we speak! [Dodges a bullet shot at his red beret.]

Interviewer: That’s great, Mr. Sliwa. As you know, many people, including President Trump, have called you a “spoiler candidate” and said you—is that blood on your arm?

Curtis Sliwa: Oh, don’t worry. It’s not mine. [A shot fires behind him.] Anyway, while yes, some people have said that I was responsible for Cuomo losing, I stand by my decision to run, and will do so until the day that I die, which I’m sure won’t be anytime soon. As you know, I live a very healthy lifestyle and get plenty of exercise chasing after my 19 cats.

Interviewer: Of course, Mr. Sliwa, but don’t you think that you ought to tone it down a little bit? In any case, here’s the next question: you’ve long said that you staunchly oppose Mr. Mamdani. Have your views on him changed since the election? 

Curtis Sliwa: To be perfectly honest with you, I don’t think they have. I’ve always thought that Mr. Mimdimi was a very inexperienced person and unfit for the job. By the way, you might want to staunch that bleeding by your heart. Wait—never mind. Too late.

And that concludes the interview! Thanks again to our correspondent, and may she rest in peace. 

Well, that’s what our amazing former candidates have been up to lately. And one last thing: if you want to see them to learn more, here’s where they’ll be in the coming days: 

Eric Adams will be over the rainbow, looking for a position as advisor to The Great and Terrible Wizard. Andrew Cuomo will be holding private interviews to find a new secretary. Zoltan Madonna will be inexperienced. Curtis Sliwa will be at the old pizza place by the dock. Ask for a cheese pizza with wings and sausage—they’ll know what to do.