Mitch McConnell’s Head Falls off During Senate Session, Terrorizes Democrats
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WASHINGTON—Lawmakers were horrified today when the head of Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell fell off in the middle of a heated speech on the Senate floor. However, according to his Republican colleagues, situations such as these are normal occurrences among the party’s rank and file.
“I’m gonna be honest with you, Mitch’s eternal life compact with the Devil has been going pretty poorly,” Senator Josh Hawley told reporters. “He’s been living on ley line energy for the past several decades, ever since every fast food worker started wearing garlic wreaths around their necks. You know that whole thing where his hands went blue? That’s commonly caused by your body being so disgusted by your hypocrisy that it attempts to eject your soul.” When asked why he would know the results of breaking an oath to the Devil, Senator Hawley awkwardly sputtered, “I… I… I’m definitely not attracted to that big man with the Viking horns, but he was just so forceful in how he broke in!” Hawley then ran away from reporters, who noted that he was wearing elbow-length gloves.
McConnell was in the middle of once again attempting to justify denying working class Americans money when the incident occurred. “First off, Americans should be able to pull themselves up by their own bootstraps, just like how I accepted help from charities to handle my polio as a child. They’ll be able to do this with their minimum wage salaries through sheer determination and American bravery. Now, on that note, could we raise my salary for the fifth time? I’m only worth $22.5 million, which doesn’t go as far as it used to.”
At this point, his head was noticeably wobbling on top of his neck and turning a violent shade of desaturated blue. “And of course, I’d just like to mention that the only reason people are poorly paid is because of the Democratic unions, which make everything more expensive and do nothing other than ensure the ‘safety’ of the workers—”
This was when McConnell’s head fell to the ground with the sound of an overripe melon. The head rolled across the floor and continued to preach hypocrisy in the general direction of anyone who would listen until Senator Lindsey Graham scooped the head up and put it in a black bag with a bloody pentacle on the front. Senator McConnell’s body was removed from the Capitol in a carriage drawn by two goats and has since been moved to an undisclosed location in the RNC building.
With the Republican supreme leader apparently dead, Democrats were poised to take control of the Senate, but an unexpected standoff occurred when Senator Bernie Sanders suggested that maybe, just maybe, true communism had never been tried and the states should give it a go. At this moment, Senator Graham sprang to his feet and unveiled the head of McConnell, which immediately shouted, “I’m stronger than mule piss!” At this unusually specific declaration of power, Senator Sanders was dragged back to his seat by two “police officers” who were unusually red-skinned and appeared to be hiding tails beneath their coats. When Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren attempted to stand up for Sanders, one of the police officers hissed at her, revealing his forked tongue and long fangs. McConnell’s head then started to float around the Senate chamber, rotating and shouting “All Lives Matter!” as the Democratic senators fled the room. The Republicans politely applauded McConnell’s work before continuing to plot more ways to cause human suffering.
Luckily, help is on the way for the Democrats: two demon hunters are being sent from Georgia to try and vanquish the satanic threat. Having successfully defeated two Republicans in their runoff elections, Senators Raphael Warnock and Jon Ossoff are coming to Congress. Warnock in particular has experience with fighting the pathologically stupid due to his status as a reverend. The duo is equipped with holy Democratic spells and the one thing McConnell fears: the ability to turn the Senate blue. With their help, it’s rumored that the Democrats are planning to unveil a banner at the Capitol reading “MINORITY LEADER MITCH MCCONNELL,” which would hopefully exorcise the accursed head from the Senate chamber—a welcome relief, as it’s been floating above the podium and filibustering for the past week.