Meticulous Drug Dealer Does Market Research

A revolutionary new business model turns the drug dealing industry around.

Reading Time: 2 minutes

Those in the profession of drug distribution have been facing more problems over the past few years due to a rapid shift in consumer focus. The majority of drugs, such as cocaine, methyl acetate, heroin, and opioids, sold through traditional avenues have long dominated the market when it came to the commercial sale of pleasure. However, such drugs are now disregarded in favor of homegrown substances, such as serotonin and dopamine. According to tentative research conducted by some experts, this shift in market interest is largely due to a new trend where people “care about their health,” and “seek pleasure from fulfillment in life rather than substance abuse.” This selfish behavior on behalf of consumers has led to a decline in the traditional art of drug dealing, with many claiming that it is a dead tradition of a bygone era.

In contrast to his failing peers, renowned drug dealer Jackhammer Boomerang (Jordan Barakat University, M.A., Drug Dealing Studies), has been flourishing despite the unfavorable conditions. When asked about his success, Boomerang replied, “The shifting markets require you to keep your business model fluid. In today’s society, old business models don’t work. Once tried-and-true tactics like asking random kids off the street whether or not they wanted to try something exciting cannot run a sustainable profit margin anymore. It’s that simple.”

Boomerang elaborated that market research is the most necessary skill for someone within his profession. “You need to find out what your consumers are willing to pay for and any concerns that they might understandably have. I have found that many of my customers are worried about where I source my products,” he said. “As such, instead of importing from foreign countries where labor is cheaper, I walk down to the warehouse by the docks every Tuesday and crib the supply of the junkies that live there. It’s sustainably sourced, which is sure to please my environmentally-conscious customers.”

Boomerang also gave insight into how he specifically gathers customer data and compiles it into usable information. He uses customer satisfaction surveys to receive feedback and judge demand for specific products. From there, the hundreds of data points are sorted into usable form by a machine. The machine, an ingenious contraption created by three people on Adderall shoved inside a box, is capable of as many as 400 incorrect computations a minute.

Boomerang emphasized that the customers can benefit from his business’s recent prosperity as well. “Just last week, I met an impoverished family. They couldn’t even afford to feed themselves. I knew that I couldn’t stand by and do nothing, so I sent them a care package full of opioids. It warmed my heart because I knew the spirit of community and brotherhood was with them that day. It just goes to show how innate knowledge of your consumer base will benefit everyone in the community.”

Boomerang hopes that his story will inspire the entrepreneurs of future generations to enter the industry. “I’ve always wanted to give back to the community that supported me throughout all these years and the best way to do that is through education. We need to empower our youth by ensuring that they understand what running a business entails. There is a distinct lack of young people planning to enter the esteemed field of drug dealing and that’s something that needs to change. I intend to make sure that happens.”