Lauren “The Goat” Stuzin

A satire of Mx. Stuzin’s performance in the Student v.s. Teacher basketball event.

Reading Time: 2 minutes

When Mx. Stuzin laced up their shoes, we all knew it was about to go down. The greatest basketball player ever was going to step on the court and score the most goals. Stuzin was a D1 athlete coming out of Duke University; their basketball IQ and playing style was so unrivaled that they were dubbed “lil Stuzi.” All season they had been averaging 13 claps, 22 high fives, and 55 yells.

In the second quarter, the action died down when Stuzin was playing isolation ball against a student, completely broke their ankles, and went for a mid-range jumper. The glare of the sun must have disoriented their aim since their shot went above the backboard. However, Stuzin wasn’t going to let something as small as this hinder them from being the MVP of the game.

A few plays later, Stuzin was feeling confident in their shot-making ability and went for a deep three. The shot bounced off the backboard and hit a student in the head, resulting in the student suffering a mild concussion. Stuzin claimed that the reason the shot didn’t go in was because the wind blew the ball off its course. Now, you may be under the impression that the game was played outside. It was not.

An embarrassing moment for lil Stuzi took place in the third quarter when Sloan, a six-foot and eight-inch tall junior, dunked on them. When asked about how irritating that was, Stuzin had this to say: “He was only able to dunk on me because he was taller than me.” It’s almost as if Stuzin was finally understanding that being taller comes with its benefits, especially in a game like basketball. Stuzin later followed up by saying that they will start wearing heels to basketball games to appear taller. Not sure if heels are the best footwear for a basketball game, but at least they’ll be playing in style.

After the missed shots and humiliation of being dunked on by a student, Stuzin’s confidence in their basketball skills definitely took a hit, but the game was far from over. The game was down to a tie, and there were only 20 seconds left on the game clock. The teachers had the ball, and everyone knew that they had to score a bucket to win this game. Everyone knew that they could trust Stuzin with the ball because when tensions are high, you can always count on English teachers to demoralize their students.

Stuzin safely dribbled the ball down the court, looked at the game clock, and saw that there were 12 seconds left. Stuzin attempted to waste a few seconds of the game clock because they didn’t want the students to attain possession and go for a final shot. The clock ticked down to six seconds.


Stuzin called for a screen to be set and went for a jumper.


Stuzin lifted themself off the hardwood floor.


Stuzin aimed the basketball at the hoop.


Stuzin met the gaze of the basketball rim and in their eyes, the view was pristine.


Stuzin closed their eyes for dramatic effect.


With a second remaining, Stuzin shot the ball with all their might! Bang!! Stuzin scored a basket! Be that as it may, no one was cheering because Stuzin had scored the basket for the other team. Someone must not have explained the rules of ice hockey to them.