Large Moth in Capitol Building Likely the Reason Why Congress Isn’t Passing Any Laws
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It is a well-known fact that for the past few years, Congress has not passed any major laws addressing the problems present within our society. While many Americans have adjusted to the lack of action from our government’s legislative body, almost nobody is aware of the true reason behind this silence.
Theories and rumors have surfaced over the years, with speculations ranging from the entirety of Congress being stuck in traffic (as they carpool regularly) to Congress never truly existing in the first place. However, an exclusive Spectator informant has provided us with solid confirmation that a large moth has prevented productive use of the Capitol building for at least two years.
In an interview with Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, she said, “Reports of the current situation’s severity have been extremely exaggerated. We have made our best efforts to combat this crisis, and the situation is under control for the foreseeable future—oh GOD IS IT IN MY HAIR? GET IT OUT. GET IT OUT.”
The situation is currently being investigated by the FBI Crisis Negotiation Unit, but as of the publication of this article, no response has been received from the moth, and its demands remain unknown. FBI Director Christopher Wray remarked on the situation, commenting that “The United States does not negotiate with winged terrors, especially the fuzzy ones, and we will stop at nothing to ensure that—aAaH iT’S ON MY NECK. I CAN FEEL IT, IT’S ON MY NECK.”
A SWAT team armed with no less than 12 glass cups and 20 paper slips at all times is to be deployed in the event that negotiations fall through. However, it is currently unknown which room the moth is in, as congressmen have reported not closing doors behind them in their scramble to escape from the winged menace, and it is considered unwise to engage the enemy without proper knowledge of its position.
Debates among congressmen have begun over whether a bat should be released inside the Capitol Building to eat the moth. However, the necessary subsequent release of an owl to eat the bat is widely considered to be a poor decision, as Vice President Mike Pence has expressed concern for his stash of Tootsie Pops located in a confidential location within the building.
However, while the future may seem bleak, Pelosi remains optimistic about the future of America. In fact, a resolution to the nation’s current unemployment crisis has potentially been found. Come back for issue one next fall to read all about this new development.
Postscript: At the time of this article’s publication, while talks regarding reinvesting the money earned into finding more African princes have been considered, Congress has ultimately decided that the soon-to-be-gathered funds are to be funneled into the defense budget.