In Memoriam: The Beard of Polazzo

The beard of social studies teacher and Coordinator of Student Affairs (COSA) Matthew Polazzo was pronounced dead on Monday, October 2. The cause of death is still undetermined, but neighbors of Polazzo claim it was “utterly traumatizing” and that they “never saw something like this coming.” Local authorities are interrogating a series of razors, but the deceased beard has yet to be found.

Students have been seen in tears throughout the school, especially on the second floor as the smooth-skinned Polazzo strides through the halls. “It’s only been a few years, but I feel like I’ve lost a lifelong friend,” said teary-eyed senior Abie Rohrig.

This tragedy has also caused a huge problem for programming, as too many students have dropped Western Political Thought. Meanwhile, Oceanography course requests are at an all-time high, as students praise the beard of biology teacher Stephen McClellan.

“We truly lost something great today,” Principal Eric Contreras said. “The beard was right up there with those of Lincoln, Marx, and Christ; it’ll be a long time before we see another like it.” Contreras also remarked that the school would have to get by for a little while with “whatever [physical education teacher Vincent] Miller’s excuse for facial hair is.”